關於英語笑話短文帶翻譯
1、"One day, John was back home after work. He found that his wife was shaking their daughter who was only half a year old. She said "Da-Dy" to the baby many times. John felt very happy because he thought his wife chose the word "Dady" to teach their baby. During one night several weeks later, John and his wife were waken up by the cry "Dady". His wife said to him, "Darling, she is calling you." Then she turned to sleep.一天下班回家，約翰發現妻子在搖半歲的女兒，嘴裡反覆念道：「爸-爸。」約翰心裡感到美滋滋的，他的妻子選擇了「爸爸」這個詞首先教孩子。
幾周後的一天夜裡，約翰和妻子被一陣哭聲驚醒了，「爸-爸！」「她在叫你，親愛的。」妻子說，然後翻身竟自睡了。"
2、"Three Men in a BoatThree men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two."Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends."In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!""Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.三人同舟三位男子在公園的長椅上坐著。中間的一個在讀報紙，另外兩個在假裝釣魚。他們給想像的魚鈎上魚餌，放線，並卷線把魚抓上來。一位過路警察駐足觀察了這個景象，他問中間的那個男子是否認識其他兩位。「喔，認識，」他說，「他們是我的朋友。」「那樣的話，」警察告誡說，「你最好把他們從這裡弄走。」「好的，警官。」那男子回答說，接著就開始瘋狂般地做起划槳的動作來。"
3、A poor man， presenting himself before the King of Spain，asked his charity， telling him that he was his brother． Theking desiring to know how he claimed kindred to him， the poorfellow replied，「We are all descended from one common fatherand mother—viz．， Adam and Eve．」 Upon which the kinggave him a little copper piece of money． The poor man beganto bemoan himself， saying，「Is it possible that your Majestyshould give no more than this to your brother？」「Away，away，」replies the king；「if all the brothers you have in theworld give you as much as I have done， you'll be richer than Iam．」一個窮漢去見西班牙國王，說自己是他的兄弟，求他施恩周濟。國王想知道他何以攀認親戚，窮漢回答說，「我們有共同的祖先——亞當和夏娃。」聽了這話，國王就給了他一個小銅子兒。於是窮人開始叫屈，說：「難道您國王陛下就給兄弟這麼一點點錢嗎？」「走開，快走，」國王回答，「如果世界上你所有的兄弟們都像我這樣給你一個銅板，你就比我還有錢了。」
4、"When a Tiger comes Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them. One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?" His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."兩個男人正在穿過叢林，突然，一隻老虎出現在遠處，向他們衝來。當中的一個人從包里拿出一雙「耐克」跑鞋，開始穿上。另一個人驚奇地看著他說，「你以為穿上跑鞋就可以跑得過老虎嗎？」 他的朋友回答道：「我不用跑得過它，我只要跑得比你快就行了。」"
5、"Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool（毒菌） ?Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.年少的童子軍：我怎樣才能把蘑菇和毒蕈區別開呢？年長的童子軍：上床前吃一個。如果你第二天早上醒來，那就是蘑菇。"
6、"A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."一份報紙組織了一場競賽，為下面的問題徵集最佳答案：「如果羅浮宮起了火，而你只能救出一幅畫，你將救出哪一幅？」獲獎的答案是：「最接近門口的那一幅。」"
7、"Once I received a thank-you note from a friend whom I had helped. In the envelope were five lottery tickets that had been scratched, revealing the numbers. "Thank you very much for your help," the note read. "As a gift, I bought you some lottery tickets- sorry you didn't win. "有一次，我收到一封感謝信，是一個我曾幫助過的朋友寄來的。信封內有五張彩票，都被刮過了，露出了數字。「非常感謝您的幫助，」信上寫道，「作為禮物，我給您買了些彩票----真遺憾，您沒中獎。」"
8、"After friends of mine landed at busy Newwark Airport, they were unable to attract the attention of any porters to help with their luggage. In desperation, the husband took out a five-dollar bill and waved it above the crowd.In an instant, a skycap was at his side. "Sir," observed the porter, " you certainly have excellent communication skills.我的朋友們在繁忙的紐瓦克機場著陸後，他們卻不能招呼到腳夫來幫他們搬行李。無奈，丈夫拿出一張五美元的鈔票在人群上面搖晃。一個帶寬邊帽的人馬上來到他身邊。「先生，」腳夫說道，「很明顯你有絕妙的交際技巧。」"
9、""Oh, my poor man," exclaimed the kind old lady， "It must be dreadful to be lame. But it would be much worse if you were blind.""You're absolutely right," said the beggar, obviously an old hand at the game." When I was blind, people kept giving me foreign coins.""啊，可憐的人，"善良的老婦人驚嘆道。"腳瘸就夠慘的了，要是眼瞎就更糟了。""你說的一點兒沒錯，"那乞丐說。他顯然是乞討老手。"我眼瞎的時候，人們老是給我外幣。""
10、"After burying his mother nine months earlier, a client of the local mortuary finally had enough money to purchase the expensive coffin he'd originally wanted. So we exhumed the body and transferred his deceased mother into the new steel casket. "What's so special about this coffin?" I asked the funeral director. He replied, "It has a lifetime warranty."在將母親下葬9個月後，當地殯儀館的一個客戶終於攢夠了錢去買那副他早就相中的價值不菲的棺材了。他把母親的棺材挖了出來，將屍體轉移到了那副新的鋼製棺材中。「這副棺材有什麼特別？」，我問葬禮的承辦人。他回答說，「這種棺材終生保修。"
11、"While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?That means, she said, that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music.In other words this CD player plays CDs.Exactly.在購買我的第一部CD唱機時，我能夠解讀推銷標記上面的大多數技術語言。但是有一個標示卻讓我頗為迷惑，於是我叫過銷售商，問道：『混合脈衝D/A變換器』是什麼意思？它的意思是，她說，這個機器能夠讀CD碟上加碼的數字信息，將它轉換成聲音信息－也就是說，轉換成音樂。換句話說，這個CD唱機能夠播放CD碟。正是如此。"
12、"The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced, a hitch（故障） arose over the fee, and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was completed, the patron（贊助人，主顧） was asked to come and inspect it. As a matter of fact, the picture was just one daub（塗抹，塗料） of brilliant red.What's this? exclaimed the purchaser. I asked for the Red Sea, on the occasion of the celebrated passage.That's it, replied Hogarth.But, where are the Israelites?They are all gone over.Where are the Egyptians?They're all drowned.一天，有人請這位偉大的畫家畫一幅法老王渡紅海圖。這幅畫剛開始不久，酬金就出現了問題。霍迪斯發現，完成這幅畫後，他只能得到他想要的大約一半的錢。當作品完成之後，那位主顧被請來看畫。其實，這幅畫不過是胡亂塗抹的一片鮮紅。這是什麼？那位買主喊了起來。我要的是紅海，是那次著名的航海。這就是，霍迦斯回答說。可是以色列人在哪兒？他們都已經渡過去了。埃及人在哪兒？他們全都淹死了。"
13、"The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fence?" "I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.動物園為剛引進的袋鼠建了一個特殊的八英尺高的圍牆。但是第二天早上，人們發現這動物在圍牆外面蹦跳著。於是圍牆高度增加到十五英尺，但袋鼠還是跑了出來。動物園經理甚感惱火，又叫人把圍牆高度加到三十英尺，但袋鼠還是逃了出來。一個長頸鹿問袋鼠：「你認為他們會把圍牆建到多高？」 「我不知道，」袋鼠說，「如果他們繼續開著大門，可能要修到一千英尺吧。」"
14、"Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:″I have known many an instance（實例） of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″一個星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那裡有他的幾封信。他打開其中一封,發現信中只寫著「傻瓜」兩個字。他平靜而認真地把這件事告訴教友們：「寫信時忘了簽名的人,我遇到過很多,但只簽了名卻忘了寫信的人,我還是頭一次遇到。」"
15、"The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'.""My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.
" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"四位牧師的母親聚到一起談論她們的兒子。「我的兒子是個教士，」第一位母親自豪地說道，「他進入房間，人們都說，『您好，閣下』。」第二為母親說：「我的兒子是位主教。他進入房間，人們都稱，『您好，大人』。」 「我的兒子是位紅衣主教，」第三位母親接著說，「他走進房間，人們都說，『您好，尊敬的主教大人』。」第四位母親略思片刻。「我的兒子身高六英尺十，體重三百磅，」她說，「他要是走入房間，人們都說『哦，我的上帝』！」"
16、"Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I』ve been having trouble with bats in my loft（閣樓） and attic at church. I』ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away.Another said, Yes, me too. I』ve got hundreds living in my belfry（鐘樓） and in the attic. I』ve been had the place fumigated（熏制） , and they still won』t go away.The third said, I baptized（洗禮） all mine, and made them members of the church...haven』t seen one back since!三個南部的牧師在一家小餐館裡吃午飯。其中的一個說道：「你們知道嗎，自從夏天來臨，我的教堂的閣樓和頂樓就被蝙蝠騷擾，我用盡了一切辦法----噪音、噴霧、貓----似乎什麼都不能把它們趕走。」另外一位說：「是啊，我也是。在我的鐘樓和閣樓也有好幾百隻。我曾經請人把整個地方用煙燻消毒一遍，它們還是趕不走。」第三個牧師說：「我為我那裡的所有蝙蝠洗禮，讓它們成為教會的一員......從此一隻也沒有再回來過。」"
17、An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement． A pupil meeting him said： 「Good evening，professor．How are you？ 「Well，」 answered the professor，「I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me．I've been limping for the last half hour．」有一天，人們看見一個有名的心不在焉的老師在路上走，他的一隻腳一直踏在街溝里，另一隻腳踩在人行道上。 一個碰見他的學生說： 「晚安，老師。您怎麼了？」 「啊，」這位老師回答說：「我想我離開家的時候還挺好的，可是現在我不知道出了什麼毛病。我已經一瘸一拐走了半個小時了。」
18、"George comes from school on the first of September."George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother."I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裡。「喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？」 媽媽問。「媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。」"
19、"A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand."I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge."Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.
"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."一位法官問我們這群修補陪審員是否有人應當免權。一個人舉起了手。「我的左耳聽不見。」那人告訴法官。「你的右邊耳朵聽得見嗎？」法官問道。那人點了點頭。「你將被允許加入陪審團，」法官宣布。「我們每次只聽一面之辭。」"
20、""We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?""Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher."No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"「我們的地下室里有一隻臭鼬，」打電話的人對警察調度員尖叫道。「我們怎樣才能把它弄出來？」「弄一些麵包屑，」調度員說;「從地下室往外鋪一條小道直到後院。然後將地下室的門打開。」一段時間後，那人又打電話打了回來。「你們將它弄出來了嗎？」調度員問他。「沒有，」打電話的人答道，「現在那兒有兩隻臭鼬了。」"
21、"A short young man was running behind a bus which was full of passengers. But the bus still ran at a great speed. "Stop, stop, " a passenger looked out of the window, and shouted at the young man, "you can't catch it ! "
"I must," the young fellow said, out of breath, "because I'm only driver of the bus.在一輛滿載乘客的公共汽車後面，一位小個子青年在奔跑著。氣車仍在高速前進。 「停下吧，」一位乘客把頭伸出窗子，對小個子喊道，「你追不上的！」
「我必須追上，」小個子氣喘吁吁地說，「我是司機！」"
22、"Just like most of other kids, aged two Emilia didn' t like washing hands──she' s always wiping the dirt off hands on her clothes. One day I accompanied her to have fried cicadae（蟬）. Habitually she rubbed her grease fingers on her real silk short gown. I held back (阻擋) her from doing it: " What do you want to do?" She was immediately on to （意識）her blame, replied at ease（從容）: " I' m akimbo."像大多數別的小孩一樣，兩歲艾咪麗雅不愛洗手，吃東西弄髒手，隨便在身上一抹就得了。一天我正陪她吃炸知了，她手上的油多了，便習慣地往真絲小褂子上蹭，我阻止道：「你想幹什麼？」她馬上意識到問題所在，從容答道：「我叉腰。」"
23、"Once upon a time, there lived a rich man, but he didn't know any words. One day, one of his friends wanted to borrow an ox from him, so he wrote a note and asked his servant to take it to this rich man.
After the servant gave the note to the rich man, he pretended to be reading it and after a while, he said, "OK, I know. Go and tell your master, I'll go myself shortly.從前，有個人很富有，但他不識字。一天，他的一位朋友想向他借一頭公牛，便寫了個條，讓僕人送到富人那裡。 僕人把條子給了富人。富人便假裝看了一會兒，然後說道：「好啦，我知道了。回去告訴你的主人，我馬上自己過去。」"
24、"A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, Mom, the toast is burned.You talked! You talked! Shouted his mother. I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?Well, up till now, Said the boy, things have been okay.一對年輕夫婦有個兒子，已經四歲了，還沒有開口說話，他們對此深感焦慮。他們帶他去找專家診治，但醫生們總覺得他沒有毛病。後來有一天早上吃早餐時，那孩子突然開口了：媽媽，麵包烤焦了。你說話了！你說話了!他母親叫了起來。我太高興了！但為什麼花了這麼長的時間呢？哦，在這之前，那男孩說，一切都很正常。"
25、"Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.男孩：嗨，我們之前是不是約會過，是一次還是兩次，我忘記了。女孩：應該只有一次吧，我從不犯兩次同樣的錯誤。"
26、"In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?""To be deaf," replied the boy."Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily."Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.在一次音樂學院的入學考試中，老師問其中一個男孩："音樂家最重要的生理素質是什麼？""耳聾，"男孩答道。"胡說！"老師氣憤地說。"怎麼了，先生！難道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音樂家貝多芬是個聾子嗎？"男孩輕蔑地反問道。"
27、"One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.""But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」"
28、"Have a neuropathy, I do not know where to get a handful of pistols, he is gone in a little black alley. When suddenly a young man, neuropathy apart from anything else its guns on the ground by pointing to his head. Asked one plus a few zero. Terrified young people, thought for a long time. Answer, equals two. Neuropathy of the killing he did not hesitate. And then get pulled in his arms, said a cold, you know too much ...有一個神經病，不知道從哪裡弄來了一把手槍，他走在一條小黑胡同里。突然遇上一個年輕人，神經病二話不說將其按在地上用槍指著他的頭。問道，一加一得幾。年輕人嚇壞了，沉思了很久。回答，等於二。神經病毫不猶豫的打死了他。然後把搶拽在懷裡，冰冷的說了一句，你知道的太多了…"
29、"The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family name, so when he saw John's papers, he was surprised."How old are you?" he said."Eighteen, sir," said John."But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?""Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."第二次世界大戰開始了，約翰想參軍，可他只有十六歲，當時規定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫給他進行體檢時，他說他已經十八歲了。可約翰的哥哥剛入伍沒幾天，而且也是這個軍醫給他做的檢查。這位醫生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當他看到約翰的表格時，感到非常驚奇。「你多大了？」軍醫問。「十八，長官。」約翰說。「可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎？」約翰臉紅了，說：「哦，不是，長官，我哥哥比我大五個月。」"
30、"Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.""You've done the right thing," says Mommy."But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."小強尼說：「媽媽，今天早上和爸爸在公車上時，他叫我讓座給一位女士。」媽媽說：「你做得很對呀。」「但是，媽媽，我是坐在爸爸膝蓋上的。」"
31、Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.媽媽：你為什麼不停地跳上跳下的？湯姆：我剛吃完藥，可我忘了先搖動瓶子了
32、"The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"一個女學生坐在座位上，嘴裡起勁地嚼著口香糖，腳卻伸到課桌間的走道里，被老師發現了。「瑪麗！」老師嚴厲地叫她。「什麼事，老師？」這女學生問。「把口香糖從嘴裡拿出來，把腳放進去。」"
33、"Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?""A kid bit me," replied Ivan."Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother."I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」"
34、"Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?"After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so.「Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily.But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?」丹在一個大城市的某個俱樂部當守門人。每天都有數千人經過他的門口，而且許多人都會停下來問他:「請問現在幾點？」幾個月後，丹想:「我不想再回答這些蠢人提出的問題了，我要去買一隻大鐘，把它掛在這兒的牆上。」於是他買了一隻鍾，把它掛在了牆上。「現在人們總不會再停下來問我時間了。」他高興地想。可是打那以後，每天仍有許多人停下來，看看鐘，然後問丹:「這鐘准嗎？」"
35、"One day, the father lets eight year-old son send a letter, the son took the letter , the father then remembered didn't write the address and addressee's name on the envelope. After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter in the mail box?" "Certainly""You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?""I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope." "Then why you didn't take it back?"
"I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee, is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!"有一天,父親讓八歲的兒子去寄一封信,兒子已經拿著信跑了,父親才想起信封上沒寫地址和收信人的名字。兒子回來後,父親問他:「你把信丟進郵筒了嗎?」 「當然」「你沒看見信封上沒有寫地址和收信人名字嗎?」「我當然看見信封上什麼也沒寫」「那你為什麼不拿回來呢？」「我還以為你不寫地址和收信人,是為了不想讓我知道你把信寄給誰呢!」"
36、"I was making rolls and, needing a warm place for the dough to rise, put the bowl in a heating pad. Then I left the house on an errand（使命，差事） . When I came back, I found this note from my son: "Dear Mom, I hope your bread gets better."我在做麵包，需要把麵糰放在一個暖和點的地方使它發起來。我把面盆放在電熱褥里，後來就出去干別的活去了。等我回家時，發現兒子留下一張紙條，上面寫著：「親愛的媽媽，我希望您的麵包已經病好了。」"
37、"Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?Mom: No, Honey, what?Kate: A nice teapot.Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.凱特：媽媽，你知道我要給你一件什麼生日禮物嗎？媽媽：不知道，寶貝，是什麼呀？凱特：一把漂亮的茶壺。媽媽：可是我已經有一把漂亮的茶壺了呀。凱特：不，你沒有了。我剛剛把它給摔了。"
38、"Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.Teacher: Please tell us.Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.老師： 這兒有兩隻鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。老師：請說說看。學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。"
39、"The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled（被寵壞的） . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（亂發脾氣） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這一點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麼不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：學校怎麼樣？你過的好嗎？哭了沒有？哭？約翰問，不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。"
40、"Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream.""Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher."Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike.麥克上學遲到了。他對布萊克老師說：「對不起，老師，今天早上我遲到了。因為我在夢裡觀看了一場球賽。」「為什麼它會讓你遲到呢？」老師問道。「因為這兩個隊都沒有能力獲勝，所以就持續的時間長了。」麥克回答說。"
41、"One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do.The mother exclaimed, But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?The little girl replied, My homework.一天，小女孩從學校回到家裡，對媽媽說：媽媽，今天在學校里我因為一件我沒有做的事情而受到懲罰。媽媽激動地說：那真是太可怕了！我要跟你的老師好好談一談，對了，你沒有做過的那件事是什麼？小女孩回答說：我的家庭作業。"
42、"When they're together, my five-year-old son and his cousin tend to cause mayhem. one Saturday, I put my foot down. "All right, you two," I said sternly. "No screaming , grabbing, whining, hitting, teasing, tattling, breaking toys, scratching or fighting." As I turned to leave, I heard my son say, "C'mon, Steven, let's get dirty . "我五歲的兒子和他的表弟在一起的時候，總要招來大亂。一個星期六，我開始抗議了。「好啦，你們兩個，」我嚴厲地說，「不許叫喊，不許亂拿，不許哭鬧，不許亂敲，不許取笑，不許扯淡，不許弄壞玩具，不許亂抓，不許打架。」 我剛轉身要走，就聽我兒子說：「來，斯蒂文，我們來把自己弄髒吧。」"
43、"Reggie: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him?Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite?Reggie: That's what I want to find out.里基：我們又得到了一條新狗，你願意過來和他玩一會嗎？羅恩：嗯，我不知道----它咬人嗎？里基：這正是我想要查明的。"
44、"Amos asked his mother whether they could have a video.I』m afraid we can』t afford one, sighed his mother.But on the following day in came Amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video.How on earth did you pay for that? gasped his mother.Easy, Mum. replied Amos, I sold the television!艾莫斯問媽媽他們是否能買一台錄像機。恐怕我們還買不起，媽媽嘆息著說。可第二天當艾莫斯回來時，他搖搖晃晃地搬著一台全新的錄像機。你究竟是哪兒來的錢買這東西？媽媽大吃一驚，喘著氣說。媽媽，這簡單， 艾曼斯回答。我把電視機給賣了！"
45、"Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted, "Honey, do you realize that we've been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?" Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, "So, you want to switch seats?"婚後已久，我丈夫往往在一個特別事情上需要委婉的提醒。在我們結婚35周年紀念的早上，我們正坐在早餐桌旁，我暗示道：「親愛的，你意識到我們在這兩個相同的座位上已坐了整整35年了嗎？」
他放下報紙，眼睛直直地望著我：「因此，你想交換座位嗎？」"
46、"Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!湯姆：媽媽，我可以吃兩塊蛋糕嗎？媽媽：當然可以----拿這塊蛋糕把它切成兩塊吧"
47、"Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.弟弟：我看見你親我姐姐了，如果你不給我五分錢，我就告訴我爸。姐姐的男朋友：不要那樣做。給你五分錢。弟弟：我這個月已經賺了一塊兩毛五了。"
48、Professor: When is your birthday?Kid: May 30.Professor: Which year?Kid: Every year.教授：你的生日是什麼時候？孩子：5月30日。教授：哪一年？孩子：每年都是。
49、"A bunch of great, DEAD scientists were playing hide-and-seek in heaven. When it's Einstein's turn to be the seeker, he counted untill 100 and opened his eyes. All the others were hide, but only Newton were still standing there.一群偉大的科學家去世後在天堂里玩藏貓貓。輪到愛因斯坦抓人，他數到100睜開眼睛，看到所有的人都藏起來了，只有牛頓還站在那裡。"
50、"Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"John: "What do you think it is, sir?"Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"老師：「John，動詞ring的過去分詞是什麼？」。約翰：「你想它是什麼呢」？老師：「我不用想，我知道！」。約翰：「我想我不知道」。"
51、"An artist was part of an exhibition, and he asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display."I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied."Give me the good news first," the artist demanded."The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.""That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could the bad news possibly be?"With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The gentleman in question was your doctor."以為藝術家在一個畫廊辦了個展覽，他問店主是否有人對他參展的畫感興趣。「我有一個好消息和一個壞消息。」店主回答。「先告訴我好消息。」畫家要求道。「好消息是一位紳士詢問了你的作品，還問它是否會在你死後增。我告訴他會的，然後他買下了你所有的15幅畫作。」「那太棒了！」畫家驚嘆。「那麼什麼會是壞消息呢？」店主想了想之後說：「問那個問題的是你的醫生」。"
52、"A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?""Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學生多了解一點優秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會。為了使這次活動能給大家留下更深的印象，她請大家喝檸檬汽水、吃點心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回來上汽車的時候，她問小薩莉：「你今天玩得好嗎?」「噢，好極了，小姐，」 薩莉說，「除了音樂其它都很好。」"
53、"Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"John: "What do you think it is, sir?"Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"『老師：「John，動詞ring的過去分詞是什麼？」。約翰：「你想它是什麼呢」？老師：「我不用想，我知道！」。約翰：「我想我不知道」。"
54、"Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.老 師：約翰尼，為什麼你每天早晨都遲到?約翰尼：每當我經過學校附近的拐角處，就見路牌上寫著『學校-緩行』。"
55、Student A: When do people talk least?Student B: In February.Student A: Why?Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.學生甲：人們在什麼時候說話最少?學生乙：在二月。學生甲：為什麼呢?學生乙：因為二月是一年中最短的一個月。
56、"Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?Tom: Men.Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?Tom: Twins."孩子"的複數形式老師：湯姆，『男人』這個詞的複數形式是什麼?湯姆：男人們。老師：答得好。那『孩子』的複數形式呢?湯姆：雙胞胎。"
57、"A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?""Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學生多了解一點優秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會。為了使這次活動能給大家留下更深的印象，她請大家喝檸檬汽水、吃點心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回來上汽車的時候，她問小薩莉：「你今天玩得好嗎?」「噢，好極了，小姐，」 薩莉說，「除了音樂其它都很好。」"
58、"My Sister's FingersTeacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.Teacher: I don't see any bandages.Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.我妹妹的手指頭老師：凱溫，這次你怎麼又遲到了?凱溫：對不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個手指頭。老師：怎麼沒有扎繃帶呀?凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。"
59、"The Climate of New ZealandTeacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?Matthew: Very Cold, sir.Teacher: Wrong.Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!紐西蘭的氣候老師：馬修，紐西蘭的氣候怎麼樣?馬修：先生，那裡的天氣很冷。老師：錯了。馬修：可是，先生!從那兒運來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。"
60、"One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?""Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."一位學生對另一位說：「你的 英語 最近學的怎麼樣?」「很好，我過去不懂英國人說話，可現在是英國人不懂我的話了。」"
61、"The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog."It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?""Ah, yes," answered the little girl. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"一個小女孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。「沒有關係，」一位先生說，「不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：『吠狗不咬人。』」「啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？」"
62、知道"Family"這個單詞的含義嗎？ 爸 F ather和 A nd媽 M other我 I愛 L ove你 Y ou爸媽我愛你=家庭。
63、小時侯上學，把「English」 讀為「應給利息」的同學當了銀行行長；讀為「陰溝里洗」的成了菜販子；讀為「因果聯繫」的成了哲學家；讀為「硬改歷史」的成了政治家; 讀為「英國里去」的成了海外華僑；而我，不小心讀成了「應該累死」結果成了打工的！
64、上英語課，老師問：「知識是什麼?」全班人回答：「knowledge !」就我一個特麼特大聲的說：「力量!!!」
65、「蘋果用英語怎麼說?」我問。「Apple」侄女高興地回答。「香蕉用英語怎麼說」我接著問。「Banana『她快速地答到。「嗯，不錯啊，那小鴨子用英語怎麼說啊?」小侄女猶豫了一下，接著答「嘎，嘎……」
66、你傷害了Word，還Excel而過，你Access的貪婪，我Outlook懦弱。One淚Note過，回憶是多Binder，只怪自己Mail你PowerPoint。
67、去年春節回老家時，看到一個老外在向一個農民伯伯問路。只見那個老外一邊說著生硬的中文，一邊用手筆劃，但那個農民伯伯卻還是不明白。最後，那個農民伯伯說了一句讓我至今難忘的話：「Can you speak English?」
68、剛剛去營業廳沖話費，聽到服務小姐說，how much?我愣了好久，沒反應過來，心想英語都普及到這地步了?遂回答，50。他也愣了，又重複了一次，我這才聽明白她剛才說的是，號碼是?
69、我們外國同事突然問我：你們中國人最愛用的外語口頭禪是不是「what『s up『?感覺你們見面時常說「what『s up『，有時候自己對著電腦都會自言自語說，是受美國文化影響麼？我想了半天是不是有這麼回事，然後突然恍然大悟，對她說：我操！
70、「閨女，香蕉用英語怎麼說?」「banana！」「蘋果呢?」「iPhone！」「那大蘋果呢?」「iPad！」
1、"One day, John was back home after work. He found that his wife was shaking their daughter who was only half a year old. She said "Da-Dy" to the baby many times. John felt very happy because he thought his wife chose the word "Dady" to teach their baby. During one night several weeks later, John and his wife were waken up by the cry "Dady". His wife said to him, "Darling, she is calling you." Then she turned to sleep.一天下班回家，約翰發現妻子在搖半歲的女兒，嘴裡反覆念道：「爸-爸。」約翰心裡感到美滋滋的，他的妻子選擇了「爸爸」這個詞首先教孩子。
幾周後的一天夜裡，約翰和妻子被一陣哭聲驚醒了，「爸-爸！」「她在叫你，親愛的。」妻子說，然後翻身竟自睡了。"
2、"Three Men in a BoatThree men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two."Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends."In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!""Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.三人同舟三位男子在公園的長椅上坐著。中間的一個在讀報紙，另外兩個在假裝釣魚。他們給想像的魚鈎上魚餌，放線，並卷線把魚抓上來。一位過路警察駐足觀察了這個景象，他問中間的那個男子是否認識其他兩位。「喔，認識，」他說，「他們是我的朋友。」「那樣的話，」警察告誡說，「你最好把他們從這裡弄走。」「好的，警官。」那男子回答說，接著就開始瘋狂般地做起划槳的動作來。"
3、A poor man， presenting himself before the King of Spain，asked his charity， telling him that he was his brother． Theking desiring to know how he claimed kindred to him， the poorfellow replied，「We are all descended from one common fatherand mother—viz．， Adam and Eve．」 Upon which the kinggave him a little copper piece of money． The poor man beganto bemoan himself， saying，「Is it possible that your Majestyshould give no more than this to your brother？」「Away，away，」replies the king；「if all the brothers you have in theworld give you as much as I have done， you'll be richer than Iam．」一個窮漢去見西班牙國王，說自己是他的兄弟，求他施恩周濟。國王想知道他何以攀認親戚，窮漢回答說，「我們有共同的祖先——亞當和夏娃。」聽了這話，國王就給了他一個小銅子兒。於是窮人開始叫屈，說：「難道您國王陛下就給兄弟這麼一點點錢嗎？」「走開，快走，」國王回答，「如果世界上你所有的兄弟們都像我這樣給你一個銅板，你就比我還有錢了。」
4、"When a Tiger comes Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them. One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?" His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."兩個男人正在穿過叢林，突然，一隻老虎出現在遠處，向他們衝來。當中的一個人從包里拿出一雙「耐克」跑鞋，開始穿上。另一個人驚奇地看著他說，「你以為穿上跑鞋就可以跑得過老虎嗎？」 他的朋友回答道：「我不用跑得過它，我只要跑得比你快就行了。」"
5、"Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool（毒菌） ?Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.年少的童子軍：我怎樣才能把蘑菇和毒蕈區別開呢？年長的童子軍：上床前吃一個。如果你第二天早上醒來，那就是蘑菇。"
6、"A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."一份報紙組織了一場競賽，為下面的問題徵集最佳答案：「如果羅浮宮起了火，而你只能救出一幅畫，你將救出哪一幅？」獲獎的答案是：「最接近門口的那一幅。」"
7、"Once I received a thank-you note from a friend whom I had helped. In the envelope were five lottery tickets that had been scratched, revealing the numbers. "Thank you very much for your help," the note read. "As a gift, I bought you some lottery tickets- sorry you didn't win. "有一次，我收到一封感謝信，是一個我曾幫助過的朋友寄來的。信封內有五張彩票，都被刮過了，露出了數字。「非常感謝您的幫助，」信上寫道，「作為禮物，我給您買了些彩票----真遺憾，您沒中獎。」"
8、"After friends of mine landed at busy Newwark Airport, they were unable to attract the attention of any porters to help with their luggage. In desperation, the husband took out a five-dollar bill and waved it above the crowd.In an instant, a skycap was at his side. "Sir," observed the porter, " you certainly have excellent communication skills.我的朋友們在繁忙的紐瓦克機場著陸後，他們卻不能招呼到腳夫來幫他們搬行李。無奈，丈夫拿出一張五美元的鈔票在人群上面搖晃。一個帶寬邊帽的人馬上來到他身邊。「先生，」腳夫說道，「很明顯你有絕妙的交際技巧。」"
9、""Oh, my poor man," exclaimed the kind old lady， "It must be dreadful to be lame. But it would be much worse if you were blind.""You're absolutely right," said the beggar, obviously an old hand at the game." When I was blind, people kept giving me foreign coins.""啊，可憐的人，"善良的老婦人驚嘆道。"腳瘸就夠慘的了，要是眼瞎就更糟了。""你說的一點兒沒錯，"那乞丐說。他顯然是乞討老手。"我眼瞎的時候，人們老是給我外幣。""
10、"After burying his mother nine months earlier, a client of the local mortuary finally had enough money to purchase the expensive coffin he'd originally wanted. So we exhumed the body and transferred his deceased mother into the new steel casket. "What's so special about this coffin?" I asked the funeral director. He replied, "It has a lifetime warranty."在將母親下葬9個月後，當地殯儀館的一個客戶終於攢夠了錢去買那副他早就相中的價值不菲的棺材了。他把母親的棺材挖了出來，將屍體轉移到了那副新的鋼製棺材中。「這副棺材有什麼特別？」，我問葬禮的承辦人。他回答說，「這種棺材終生保修。"
11、"While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?That means, she said, that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music.In other words this CD player plays CDs.Exactly.在購買我的第一部CD唱機時，我能夠解讀推銷標記上面的大多數技術語言。但是有一個標示卻讓我頗為迷惑，於是我叫過銷售商，問道：『混合脈衝D/A變換器』是什麼意思？它的意思是，她說，這個機器能夠讀CD碟上加碼的數字信息，將它轉換成聲音信息－也就是說，轉換成音樂。換句話說，這個CD唱機能夠播放CD碟。正是如此。"
12、"The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced, a hitch（故障） arose over the fee, and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was completed, the patron（贊助人，主顧） was asked to come and inspect it. As a matter of fact, the picture was just one daub（塗抹，塗料） of brilliant red.What's this? exclaimed the purchaser. I asked for the Red Sea, on the occasion of the celebrated passage.That's it, replied Hogarth.But, where are the Israelites?They are all gone over.Where are the Egyptians?They're all drowned.一天，有人請這位偉大的畫家畫一幅法老王渡紅海圖。這幅畫剛開始不久，酬金就出現了問題。霍迪斯發現，完成這幅畫後，他只能得到他想要的大約一半的錢。當作品完成之後，那位主顧被請來看畫。其實，這幅畫不過是胡亂塗抹的一片鮮紅。這是什麼？那位買主喊了起來。我要的是紅海，是那次著名的航海。這就是，霍迦斯回答說。可是以色列人在哪兒？他們都已經渡過去了。埃及人在哪兒？他們全都淹死了。"
13、"The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fence?" "I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.動物園為剛引進的袋鼠建了一個特殊的八英尺高的圍牆。但是第二天早上，人們發現這動物在圍牆外面蹦跳著。於是圍牆高度增加到十五英尺，但袋鼠還是跑了出來。動物園經理甚感惱火，又叫人把圍牆高度加到三十英尺，但袋鼠還是逃了出來。一個長頸鹿問袋鼠：「你認為他們會把圍牆建到多高？」 「我不知道，」袋鼠說，「如果他們繼續開著大門，可能要修到一千英尺吧。」"
14、"Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:″I have known many an instance（實例） of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″一個星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那裡有他的幾封信。他打開其中一封,發現信中只寫著「傻瓜」兩個字。他平靜而認真地把這件事告訴教友們：「寫信時忘了簽名的人,我遇到過很多,但只簽了名卻忘了寫信的人,我還是頭一次遇到。」"
15、"The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'.""My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.
" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"四位牧師的母親聚到一起談論她們的兒子。「我的兒子是個教士，」第一位母親自豪地說道，「他進入房間，人們都說，『您好，閣下』。」第二為母親說：「我的兒子是位主教。他進入房間，人們都稱，『您好，大人』。」 「我的兒子是位紅衣主教，」第三位母親接著說，「他走進房間，人們都說，『您好，尊敬的主教大人』。」第四位母親略思片刻。「我的兒子身高六英尺十，體重三百磅，」她說，「他要是走入房間，人們都說『哦，我的上帝』！」"
16、"Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I』ve been having trouble with bats in my loft（閣樓） and attic at church. I』ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away.Another said, Yes, me too. I』ve got hundreds living in my belfry（鐘樓） and in the attic. I』ve been had the place fumigated（熏制） , and they still won』t go away.The third said, I baptized（洗禮） all mine, and made them members of the church...haven』t seen one back since!三個南部的牧師在一家小餐館裡吃午飯。其中的一個說道：「你們知道嗎，自從夏天來臨，我的教堂的閣樓和頂樓就被蝙蝠騷擾，我用盡了一切辦法----噪音、噴霧、貓----似乎什麼都不能把它們趕走。」另外一位說：「是啊，我也是。在我的鐘樓和閣樓也有好幾百隻。我曾經請人把整個地方用煙燻消毒一遍，它們還是趕不走。」第三個牧師說：「我為我那裡的所有蝙蝠洗禮，讓它們成為教會的一員......從此一隻也沒有再回來過。」"
17、An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement． A pupil meeting him said： 「Good evening，professor．How are you？ 「Well，」 answered the professor，「I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me．I've been limping for the last half hour．」有一天，人們看見一個有名的心不在焉的老師在路上走，他的一隻腳一直踏在街溝里，另一隻腳踩在人行道上。 一個碰見他的學生說： 「晚安，老師。您怎麼了？」 「啊，」這位老師回答說：「我想我離開家的時候還挺好的，可是現在我不知道出了什麼毛病。我已經一瘸一拐走了半個小時了。」
18、"George comes from school on the first of September."George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother."I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裡。「喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？」 媽媽問。「媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。」"
19、"A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand."I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge."Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.
"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."一位法官問我們這群修補陪審員是否有人應當免權。一個人舉起了手。「我的左耳聽不見。」那人告訴法官。「你的右邊耳朵聽得見嗎？」法官問道。那人點了點頭。「你將被允許加入陪審團，」法官宣布。「我們每次只聽一面之辭。」"
20、""We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?""Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher."No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"「我們的地下室里有一隻臭鼬，」打電話的人對警察調度員尖叫道。「我們怎樣才能把它弄出來？」「弄一些麵包屑，」調度員說;「從地下室往外鋪一條小道直到後院。然後將地下室的門打開。」一段時間後，那人又打電話打了回來。「你們將它弄出來了嗎？」調度員問他。「沒有，」打電話的人答道，「現在那兒有兩隻臭鼬了。」"
21、"A short young man was running behind a bus which was full of passengers. But the bus still ran at a great speed. "Stop, stop, " a passenger looked out of the window, and shouted at the young man, "you can't catch it ! "
"I must," the young fellow said, out of breath, "because I'm only driver of the bus.在一輛滿載乘客的公共汽車後面，一位小個子青年在奔跑著。氣車仍在高速前進。 「停下吧，」一位乘客把頭伸出窗子，對小個子喊道，「你追不上的！」
「我必須追上，」小個子氣喘吁吁地說，「我是司機！」"
22、"Just like most of other kids, aged two Emilia didn' t like washing hands──she' s always wiping the dirt off hands on her clothes. One day I accompanied her to have fried cicadae（蟬）. Habitually she rubbed her grease fingers on her real silk short gown. I held back (阻擋) her from doing it: " What do you want to do?" She was immediately on to （意識）her blame, replied at ease（從容）: " I' m akimbo."像大多數別的小孩一樣，兩歲艾咪麗雅不愛洗手，吃東西弄髒手，隨便在身上一抹就得了。一天我正陪她吃炸知了，她手上的油多了，便習慣地往真絲小褂子上蹭，我阻止道：「你想幹什麼？」她馬上意識到問題所在，從容答道：「我叉腰。」"
23、"Once upon a time, there lived a rich man, but he didn't know any words. One day, one of his friends wanted to borrow an ox from him, so he wrote a note and asked his servant to take it to this rich man.
After the servant gave the note to the rich man, he pretended to be reading it and after a while, he said, "OK, I know. Go and tell your master, I'll go myself shortly.從前，有個人很富有，但他不識字。一天，他的一位朋友想向他借一頭公牛，便寫了個條，讓僕人送到富人那裡。 僕人把條子給了富人。富人便假裝看了一會兒，然後說道：「好啦，我知道了。回去告訴你的主人，我馬上自己過去。」"
24、"A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, Mom, the toast is burned.You talked! You talked! Shouted his mother. I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?Well, up till now, Said the boy, things have been okay.一對年輕夫婦有個兒子，已經四歲了，還沒有開口說話，他們對此深感焦慮。他們帶他去找專家診治，但醫生們總覺得他沒有毛病。後來有一天早上吃早餐時，那孩子突然開口了：媽媽，麵包烤焦了。你說話了！你說話了!他母親叫了起來。我太高興了！但為什麼花了這麼長的時間呢？哦，在這之前，那男孩說，一切都很正常。"
25、"Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.男孩：嗨，我們之前是不是約會過，是一次還是兩次，我忘記了。女孩：應該只有一次吧，我從不犯兩次同樣的錯誤。"
26、"In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?""To be deaf," replied the boy."Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily."Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.在一次音樂學院的入學考試中，老師問其中一個男孩："音樂家最重要的生理素質是什麼？""耳聾，"男孩答道。"胡說！"老師氣憤地說。"怎麼了，先生！難道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音樂家貝多芬是個聾子嗎？"男孩輕蔑地反問道。"
27、"One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.""But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」"
28、"Have a neuropathy, I do not know where to get a handful of pistols, he is gone in a little black alley. When suddenly a young man, neuropathy apart from anything else its guns on the ground by pointing to his head. Asked one plus a few zero. Terrified young people, thought for a long time. Answer, equals two. Neuropathy of the killing he did not hesitate. And then get pulled in his arms, said a cold, you know too much ...有一個神經病，不知道從哪裡弄來了一把手槍，他走在一條小黑胡同里。突然遇上一個年輕人，神經病二話不說將其按在地上用槍指著他的頭。問道，一加一得幾。年輕人嚇壞了，沉思了很久。回答，等於二。神經病毫不猶豫的打死了他。然後把搶拽在懷裡，冰冷的說了一句，你知道的太多了…"
29、"The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family name, so when he saw John's papers, he was surprised."How old are you?" he said."Eighteen, sir," said John."But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?""Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."第二次世界大戰開始了，約翰想參軍，可他只有十六歲，當時規定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫給他進行體檢時，他說他已經十八歲了。可約翰的哥哥剛入伍沒幾天，而且也是這個軍醫給他做的檢查。這位醫生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當他看到約翰的表格時，感到非常驚奇。「你多大了？」軍醫問。「十八，長官。」約翰說。「可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎？」約翰臉紅了，說：「哦，不是，長官，我哥哥比我大五個月。」"
30、"Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.""You've done the right thing," says Mommy."But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."小強尼說：「媽媽，今天早上和爸爸在公車上時，他叫我讓座給一位女士。」媽媽說：「你做得很對呀。」「但是，媽媽，我是坐在爸爸膝蓋上的。」"
31、Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.媽媽：你為什麼不停地跳上跳下的？湯姆：我剛吃完藥，可我忘了先搖動瓶子了
32、"The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"一個女學生坐在座位上，嘴裡起勁地嚼著口香糖，腳卻伸到課桌間的走道里，被老師發現了。「瑪麗！」老師嚴厲地叫她。「什麼事，老師？」這女學生問。「把口香糖從嘴裡拿出來，把腳放進去。」"
33、"Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?""A kid bit me," replied Ivan."Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother."I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」"
34、"Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?"After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so.「Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily.But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?」丹在一個大城市的某個俱樂部當守門人。每天都有數千人經過他的門口，而且許多人都會停下來問他:「請問現在幾點？」幾個月後，丹想:「我不想再回答這些蠢人提出的問題了，我要去買一隻大鐘，把它掛在這兒的牆上。」於是他買了一隻鍾，把它掛在了牆上。「現在人們總不會再停下來問我時間了。」他高興地想。可是打那以後，每天仍有許多人停下來，看看鐘，然後問丹:「這鐘准嗎？」"
35、"One day, the father lets eight year-old son send a letter, the son took the letter , the father then remembered didn't write the address and addressee's name on the envelope. After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter in the mail box?" "Certainly""You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?""I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope." "Then why you didn't take it back?"
"I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee, is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!"有一天,父親讓八歲的兒子去寄一封信,兒子已經拿著信跑了,父親才想起信封上沒寫地址和收信人的名字。兒子回來後,父親問他:「你把信丟進郵筒了嗎?」 「當然」「你沒看見信封上沒有寫地址和收信人名字嗎?」「我當然看見信封上什麼也沒寫」「那你為什麼不拿回來呢？」「我還以為你不寫地址和收信人,是為了不想讓我知道你把信寄給誰呢!」"
36、"I was making rolls and, needing a warm place for the dough to rise, put the bowl in a heating pad. Then I left the house on an errand（使命，差事） . When I came back, I found this note from my son: "Dear Mom, I hope your bread gets better."我在做麵包，需要把麵糰放在一個暖和點的地方使它發起來。我把面盆放在電熱褥里，後來就出去干別的活去了。等我回家時，發現兒子留下一張紙條，上面寫著：「親愛的媽媽，我希望您的麵包已經病好了。」"
37、"Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?Mom: No, Honey, what?Kate: A nice teapot.Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.凱特：媽媽，你知道我要給你一件什麼生日禮物嗎？媽媽：不知道，寶貝，是什麼呀？凱特：一把漂亮的茶壺。媽媽：可是我已經有一把漂亮的茶壺了呀。凱特：不，你沒有了。我剛剛把它給摔了。"
38、"Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.Teacher: Please tell us.Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.老師： 這兒有兩隻鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。老師：請說說看。學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。"
39、"The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled（被寵壞的） . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（亂發脾氣） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這一點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麼不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：學校怎麼樣？你過的好嗎？哭了沒有？哭？約翰問，不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。"
40、"Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream.""Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher."Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike.麥克上學遲到了。他對布萊克老師說：「對不起，老師，今天早上我遲到了。因為我在夢裡觀看了一場球賽。」「為什麼它會讓你遲到呢？」老師問道。「因為這兩個隊都沒有能力獲勝，所以就持續的時間長了。」麥克回答說。"
41、"One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do.The mother exclaimed, But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?The little girl replied, My homework.一天，小女孩從學校回到家裡，對媽媽說：媽媽，今天在學校里我因為一件我沒有做的事情而受到懲罰。媽媽激動地說：那真是太可怕了！我要跟你的老師好好談一談，對了，你沒有做過的那件事是什麼？小女孩回答說：我的家庭作業。"
42、"When they're together, my five-year-old son and his cousin tend to cause mayhem. one Saturday, I put my foot down. "All right, you two," I said sternly. "No screaming , grabbing, whining, hitting, teasing, tattling, breaking toys, scratching or fighting." As I turned to leave, I heard my son say, "C'mon, Steven, let's get dirty . "我五歲的兒子和他的表弟在一起的時候，總要招來大亂。一個星期六，我開始抗議了。「好啦，你們兩個，」我嚴厲地說，「不許叫喊，不許亂拿，不許哭鬧，不許亂敲，不許取笑，不許扯淡，不許弄壞玩具，不許亂抓，不許打架。」 我剛轉身要走，就聽我兒子說：「來，斯蒂文，我們來把自己弄髒吧。」"
43、"Reggie: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him?Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite?Reggie: That's what I want to find out.里基：我們又得到了一條新狗，你願意過來和他玩一會嗎？羅恩：嗯，我不知道----它咬人嗎？里基：這正是我想要查明的。"
44、"Amos asked his mother whether they could have a video.I』m afraid we can』t afford one, sighed his mother.But on the following day in came Amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video.How on earth did you pay for that? gasped his mother.Easy, Mum. replied Amos, I sold the television!艾莫斯問媽媽他們是否能買一台錄像機。恐怕我們還買不起，媽媽嘆息著說。可第二天當艾莫斯回來時，他搖搖晃晃地搬著一台全新的錄像機。你究竟是哪兒來的錢買這東西？媽媽大吃一驚，喘著氣說。媽媽，這簡單， 艾曼斯回答。我把電視機給賣了！"
45、"Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted, "Honey, do you realize that we've been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?" Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, "So, you want to switch seats?"婚後已久，我丈夫往往在一個特別事情上需要委婉的提醒。在我們結婚35周年紀念的早上，我們正坐在早餐桌旁，我暗示道：「親愛的，你意識到我們在這兩個相同的座位上已坐了整整35年了嗎？」
他放下報紙，眼睛直直地望著我：「因此，你想交換座位嗎？」"
46、"Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!湯姆：媽媽，我可以吃兩塊蛋糕嗎？媽媽：當然可以----拿這塊蛋糕把它切成兩塊吧"
47、"Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.弟弟：我看見你親我姐姐了，如果你不給我五分錢，我就告訴我爸。姐姐的男朋友：不要那樣做。給你五分錢。弟弟：我這個月已經賺了一塊兩毛五了。"
48、Professor: When is your birthday?Kid: May 30.Professor: Which year?Kid: Every year.教授：你的生日是什麼時候？孩子：5月30日。教授：哪一年？孩子：每年都是。
49、"A bunch of great, DEAD scientists were playing hide-and-seek in heaven. When it's Einstein's turn to be the seeker, he counted untill 100 and opened his eyes. All the others were hide, but only Newton were still standing there.一群偉大的科學家去世後在天堂里玩藏貓貓。輪到愛因斯坦抓人，他數到100睜開眼睛，看到所有的人都藏起來了，只有牛頓還站在那裡。"
50、"Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"John: "What do you think it is, sir?"Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"老師：「John，動詞ring的過去分詞是什麼？」。約翰：「你想它是什麼呢」？老師：「我不用想，我知道！」。約翰：「我想我不知道」。"
51、"An artist was part of an exhibition, and he asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display."I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied."Give me the good news first," the artist demanded."The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.""That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could the bad news possibly be?"With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The gentleman in question was your doctor."以為藝術家在一個畫廊辦了個展覽，他問店主是否有人對他參展的畫感興趣。「我有一個好消息和一個壞消息。」店主回答。「先告訴我好消息。」畫家要求道。「好消息是一位紳士詢問了你的作品，還問它是否會在你死後增。我告訴他會的，然後他買下了你所有的15幅畫作。」「那太棒了！」畫家驚嘆。「那麼什麼會是壞消息呢？」店主想了想之後說：「問那個問題的是你的醫生」。"
52、"A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?""Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學生多了解一點優秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會。為了使這次活動能給大家留下更深的印象，她請大家喝檸檬汽水、吃點心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回來上汽車的時候，她問小薩莉：「你今天玩得好嗎?」「噢，好極了，小姐，」 薩莉說，「除了音樂其它都很好。」"
53、"Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"John: "What do you think it is, sir?"Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"『老師：「John，動詞ring的過去分詞是什麼？」。約翰：「你想它是什麼呢」？老師：「我不用想，我知道！」。約翰：「我想我不知道」。"
54、"Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.老 師：約翰尼，為什麼你每天早晨都遲到?約翰尼：每當我經過學校附近的拐角處，就見路牌上寫著『學校-緩行』。"
55、Student A: When do people talk least?Student B: In February.Student A: Why?Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.學生甲：人們在什麼時候說話最少?學生乙：在二月。學生甲：為什麼呢?學生乙：因為二月是一年中最短的一個月。
56、"Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?Tom: Men.Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?Tom: Twins."孩子"的複數形式老師：湯姆，『男人』這個詞的複數形式是什麼?湯姆：男人們。老師：答得好。那『孩子』的複數形式呢?湯姆：雙胞胎。"
57、"A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?""Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學生多了解一點優秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會。為了使這次活動能給大家留下更深的印象，她請大家喝檸檬汽水、吃點心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回來上汽車的時候，她問小薩莉：「你今天玩得好嗎?」「噢，好極了，小姐，」 薩莉說，「除了音樂其它都很好。」"
58、"My Sister's FingersTeacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.Teacher: I don't see any bandages.Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.我妹妹的手指頭老師：凱溫，這次你怎麼又遲到了?凱溫：對不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個手指頭。老師：怎麼沒有扎繃帶呀?凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。"
59、"The Climate of New ZealandTeacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?Matthew: Very Cold, sir.Teacher: Wrong.Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!紐西蘭的氣候老師：馬修，紐西蘭的氣候怎麼樣?馬修：先生，那裡的天氣很冷。老師：錯了。馬修：可是，先生!從那兒運來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。"
60、"One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?""Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."一位學生對另一位說：「你的 英語 最近學的怎麼樣?」「很好，我過去不懂英國人說話，可現在是英國人不懂我的話了。」"
61、"The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog."It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?""Ah, yes," answered the little girl. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"一個小女孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。「沒有關係，」一位先生說，「不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：『吠狗不咬人。』」「啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？」"
62、知道"Family"這個單詞的含義嗎？ 爸 F ather和 A nd媽 M other我 I愛 L ove你 Y ou爸媽我愛你=家庭。
63、小時侯上學，把「English」 讀為「應給利息」的同學當了銀行行長；讀為「陰溝里洗」的成了菜販子；讀為「因果聯繫」的成了哲學家；讀為「硬改歷史」的成了政治家; 讀為「英國里去」的成了海外華僑；而我，不小心讀成了「應該累死」結果成了打工的！
64、上英語課，老師問：「知識是什麼?」全班人回答：「knowledge !」就我一個特麼特大聲的說：「力量!!!」
65、「蘋果用英語怎麼說?」我問。「Apple」侄女高興地回答。「香蕉用英語怎麼說」我接著問。「Banana『她快速地答到。「嗯，不錯啊，那小鴨子用英語怎麼說啊?」小侄女猶豫了一下，接著答「嘎，嘎……」
66、你傷害了Word，還Excel而過，你Access的貪婪，我Outlook懦弱。One淚Note過，回憶是多Binder，只怪自己Mail你PowerPoint。
67、去年春節回老家時，看到一個老外在向一個農民伯伯問路。只見那個老外一邊說著生硬的中文，一邊用手筆劃，但那個農民伯伯卻還是不明白。最後，那個農民伯伯說了一句讓我至今難忘的話：「Can you speak English?」
68、剛剛去營業廳沖話費，聽到服務小姐說，how much?我愣了好久，沒反應過來，心想英語都普及到這地步了?遂回答，50。他也愣了，又重複了一次，我這才聽明白她剛才說的是，號碼是?
69、我們外國同事突然問我：你們中國人最愛用的外語口頭禪是不是「what『s up『?感覺你們見面時常說「what『s up『，有時候自己對著電腦都會自言自語說，是受美國文化影響麼？我想了半天是不是有這麼回事，然後突然恍然大悟，對她說：我操！
70、「閨女，香蕉用英語怎麼說?」「banana！」「蘋果呢?」「iPhone！」「那大蘋果呢?」「iPad！」