有關英語笑話大全帶翻譯
1、"A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do with your older goats in America?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"一群美國人乘長途汽車在荷蘭旅遊。他們在一個奶酪場停下來。一位年輕的導遊帶他們參觀了奶酪製作的全過程，解釋說用的是羊奶。 她指給這群人一個美麗的山坡，山坡上許多羊在吃草。對這些，她解釋說，是放逐草地的老羊，它們已不能再產奶。她然後問道：「在美國你們怎樣處理老羊呢？」
一位活潑的老紳士回答說：「他們讓我們乘車旅行！」"
2、Ask Your OwnIt was a cold，raw day at Washington．Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor．The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius．Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply．They sallied forth． 「What time is it，Bub？They tell me you can tell time by your nose，」said the visitor to the first newsboy they met． 「Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin』，」was the reply．這是華盛頓的一個陰冷天。錢普·克拉克正和一個來訪的英國人討論城市的流浪兒，英國人詳細地敘述著倫敦式天才的機智。克拉克宣稱，要是對方向華盛頓街上任何一個兒童提任何問題，那孩子都會對答如流。他們便出發了。 「什麼時候了，小兄弟？人們說你能用鼻子報時。」 回答是：「先生，問問你自己的吧，的不在走呢。」
3、"The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked."I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied."Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean."No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.農校的招生辦主任在面試一個上線的學生，「你為何要選擇這個職業？」他問。 「我夢想以經營農場來賺一百萬元，就像我父親一樣。」這個學生回答說。 「你父親經營農場賺了一百萬元？」主任驚詫地問道。「沒有，」這位申請人回答道，「他總是夢想著賺到這個數目。」"
4、"Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends. Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!弗蘭克叔叔七十八歲了，富有而健康。他是個終生單身漢。他曾追求過很多女孩，但「從不過熱----見好就收」。一天他突發奇想，決定四處走走，去看看他那些接近一打的舊時女友。他回來即嘆道：「噓！謝天謝地幸虧我沒娶那些女人中的任何一個。如今她們都成寡婦了！」"
5、"A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head." "Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes.""Where is the shopping bag?"
"I haven't got one-use your hat."一個小男孩向他母親哭訴道：「他們都取笑我，說我腦袋大。」 「別聽他們的，」他母親安慰道，「你有一個很漂亮的腦袋。好啦，別哭了，去商店買十斤土豆來。」
「購物袋在哪兒？」
「沒購物袋了----就用你的帽子吧。」"
6、"Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.我趕著開車將11歲的女兒送到學校去，在紅燈處右拐了，而那是不允許的(譯註:在一些國家如英國,其交通規則是車輛左行的,與我國相反)。啊噢，意識到犯了錯誤，我說。我剛才拐彎是違章的。我想那沒關係的，女兒回答說：我們後面的警車也同樣拐了彎。"
7、"A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."乘客輕拍了一下計程車司機的肩膀，想問個問題。司機大叫起來，車也失去了控制，幾乎撞上一輛公車，還上了便道，在還差幾厘米就撞上商店櫥窗時終於停了下來。司機說：「夥計，別再這麼乾了。你把我嚇破膽了！」乘客抱歉地說，「我沒想到拍你一下就嚇成這樣。」 司機說：「對不起，也不全是你的錯。今天是我第一天開出租，以前25年里我一直開殯葬車。」"
8、A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".一個竊賊潛入一戶人家。他看到一個喜歡的CD機，他趕緊拿了。就在這個時候他聽到有人說：「耶穌正在看著你。」他照著手電看來看去，嘀咕著：「到底是什麼人在說話？」這時，他看到桌子上有些錢，他又拿了。。。那聲音又來了：「耶穌正在看著你。」他躲到一個角落，想找出是誰在說話。結果看到一隻鸚鵡，於是他問鸚鵡：「是你在說話嗎？」鸚鵡承認了。 小賊說：「你叫什麼名字？」「摩西」。小賊說：「什麼人給鳥取這種名字？」鸚鵡回答：「就是那個給他的羅威那犬取名為『耶穌』的那個人啊。」
9、"The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?" "I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.姑娘找到媒人，說：「你欺騙了我。他的一隻眼是假眼，你以前為什麼不告訴我？」 「怎麼沒告訴你？」媒人也不甘示弱，「你們第一回見面後，我就說，他一眼就看中你了。」"
10、"Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"兩個小男孩在他們的祖父母家過夜。睡覺時間到了，這兩個小男孩跪在床上祈禱。弟弟用非常大的聲音祈禱著，「我祈求有一輛新自行車……我祈求有一個新遊戲機……我祈求有一個新錄像機……」他的哥哥用胳膊肘輕輕地碰了他一下，說：「你為什麼這麼大聲地喊叫呢？上帝又不是聾子。」弟弟聽了回答道：「上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀！」"
11、"At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.在集市上，我和妻子買了一些五金用品，包括一個手鋸。我們返回汽車時剛好路過一家牛排店。 「我們嘗嘗吧，」我妻子建議說。儘管我覺得拿著鋸有點傻乎乎的，但還是隨她走了進去。 我妻子掃視了一下菜單對女招待說：「請給我來一份炒牛腰片。」 女招待轉向我，看了看我的鋸，說道：「我能看出，先生，你是來吃我們的T形骨特色菜的。」"
12、"One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right.The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised.He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?""No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim."一天，蒂姆的數學老師看了他的作業，發現他全做對了。老師很高興，同時也十分驚訝。他把蒂姆叫到桌前說："蒂姆，你這次的作業全都做對了，怎麼回事？你爸爸幫你做了嗎？""不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做。""
13、"How do I get the gum out? Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?怎麼把口香糖取出來呢當空中小姐給乘客們發口香糖的時候，她解釋說口香糖有助於他們防止耳鳴。飛機著陸後，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說道：「 我馬上就要見到我妻子了。我怎麼才能把口香糖從耳朵裡面取出來呢？」"
14、"There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money. A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred dollars.After walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine. The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, 「You』re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…」The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, 「Hey man, I』m sorry, I』m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I』m mute.」「Oh, oh, in that case...」 whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.在路邊一個盲人乞丐戴著墨鏡在街上行乞。一個醉漢走過來，覺得他可憐，就扔了一百元給他。走了一段路，醉漢一回頭，恰好看見那個盲人正對著太陽分辨那張百元大抄的真假。醉漢過來一把奪回錢道：「你不想活了，竟敢騙老子！」 盲人乞丐一臉委屈說：「大哥，真對不起啊，我是替一個朋友"在這看一下，他是個瞎子，去上廁所了，其實我是個啞巴。」「哦，是這樣子啊！」於是醉漢扔下錢，又搖搖晃晃地走了……
15、"The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on（溺愛，寵愛） him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（亂發脾氣） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? Did you cry?""Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這一點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麼不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：「學校怎麼樣？你過的好嗎？哭了沒有？」「哭？」約翰問，「不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。」"
16、"On a trip to Disney Worldin Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."迪斯尼之旅 弗羅里達州的迪斯尼樂園是一個迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及兩個孩子前往旅遊，我們全身心地沉醉在它的各種奇觀之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之後，我們要回家了。當我們驅車離開時，兒子揮手說：「再見，美奇。」女兒揮著手說，「再見，美妮。」丈夫也有氣無力地揮了揮手，說道：「再見，美元。」"
17、"A preacher is buying a parrotAre you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.一個傳教士在買鸚鵡「你確信它不會尖叫，大叫或詛咒別人嗎？」傳教士問。「哦，絕對不會。它是一隻虔誠的鸚鵡。」店主保證說。「你看見它腿上的這些細繩了嗎？當你拉動右面的這根，它會背誦天主經，當你拉動左面的那根，它會背誦讚美詩」「太棒了！」傳教士說，「但是如果我同時拉動兩條繩子，會發生什麼呢？」「我會從樹幹上掉下去的，你這個笨蛋！」鸚鵡尖聲說道。"
18、A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer．「No，ma』am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon．」 Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，「Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week．」 Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：「Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming． Now whatwas it she wanted？」 「Rain．」 said the clerk．一個商店經理聽見一個店員對顧客說：「不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。」經理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：「當然，馬上就會有的。我們上周訂了貨。」然後經理把店員拉到一邊：「千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什麼——說我們已經訂了貨，貨馬上就到。現在你說她要買什麼？」 「雨，」店員說。
19、"A mother is very good at using every chance to educate his son, who was only three years old. One day, she took a plug and said to her son, " Look, there are two pieces of copper, so it must be plugged in a place where there are two holes. Where do you think it should be plugged?" She waited for an answer expectfully . "Plug in nose." is the answer.一位母親十分善於利用每一個機會對孩子進行教育。她的兒子只有三歲。一天，她拿著一個插頭對兒子說：「看，這裡有兩個銅片，那它一定要插在有兩個孔的地方。你說它應該插在哪兒呢？」母親期待著兒子的回答。「插在鼻子裡！」兒子回答說。"
20、"A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭里傳來了機長的聲音：「旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時 。」 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：「各位，你們猜怎麼啦 ？我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。」"正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：「看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。」
21、On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York，the Star thought the fact worth recording onits evening placard．But there was another piece of news to bementioned：it was about the Ascot Cup being stolen．Theplacard thus ran： MARK TWAIN ARRIVES． ASCOT CUP STOLEN． Mark Twain，we believe，never heard the last of it．有一次，馬克·吐溫從紐約起程抵達倫敦訪問，《星報》認為這個消息值得登在它的晚招貼上。但是，還有一條消息也要登上：關於愛斯科杯被盜的消息。招貼是這樣寫的： 馬克·吐溫 光臨 愛斯科杯 被盜 我們相信，馬克·吐溫從來也沒聽說過這件事。
22、"At 2 a. m, Mrs. Culkin was convinced that she had heard a prowler in the living, room. "Tiptoe down-stairs," she told her husband. "Don' t turn on the lights. Sneak up him before he knows what's happening
Dutifully Mr. Culkin put on his robe. Just as he reached the bedroom door, his wife added, "And when you come back, bring me a glass of milk."半夜兩點，科爾肯太太確信聽到客廳有賊，便對丈夫說：「別開燈，躡手躡腳下樓，別讓賊發覺，悄悄靠近他。」科爾肯先生披上外套，責無旁貸地去捉賊。剛走到臥室門口，他妻子又補充說：「回來時給我捎杯牛奶。」"
23、"At the cleaner's, I noticed the sign "In by 10 a. m. , out by 5 p. m. " so I told the owner that I wanted to pick my clothing up at five. "it won't be ready," he said. "But your sign says, 'In by 10 a. m. , out by 5 p. m.'," I reminded him.
"Oh," he replied, "that means me.在洗衣店，我看到招牌上寫著：「上午10點進，下午5點出。」因此我就告訴店主我想在下午5點取衣。「下午5點還不能取，」他說。 「但是你的牌子上寫著：『上午10點進，下午5點出』，」我提醒他說。「哦，」他回答說，「那指的是我。」"
24、4-year-old Begin and his cousin scrambled (攀爬，爭搶) for toys. His mum told him: 「 You are older brother because you』re older than your (cousin) sister. You should give ground to her. 」 Begin thought a little but maintained(堅持) : 「 My sister must give ground to me when she grows older than I.」 His uncle around overheard and said : 「Such a thing hardly occurs.」四歲的貝京和小妹妹爭玩具。媽媽對他說：「你大，你是哥哥，要讓著小妹妹點兒。」 貝京想了想，堅持說：「等妹妹長得比我大了，她也得讓著我。」姨夫在一旁聽了說：「這種情況相當罕見。
25、The New Baby Mr．and Mrs．Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat．Now Mrs．Taylor was expecting another child． Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too． One evening Mr．and Mrs．Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival．「This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，」said Mr．Taylor． Pat came into the room just then and said，「What are you talking about？」「We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，」his mother answered． 「 It's no use，」said Pat hopelessly．「 He'll follow us there．」泰勒夫婦有一個七歲的男孩，名叫帕特。現在泰勒太太正懷著第二胎。 帕特在別人家看見過嬰兒，他不太喜歡他們，所以他對自己家裡也將有一個嬰兒的消息感到不滿。 一天晚上，泰勒夫婦正在為這個嬰兒的降生計劃做安排。泰勒先生說：「有了嬰兒，我們的房子就太小，不夠住了。」帕特恰好在這個時候走進屋，他問：「你們在說什麼？」他的母親回答說：「我們在說我們現在得搬家，因為嬰兒就要誕生了。」 「那沒用，」帕特絕望地說。「他會跟我們到那兒去的。」
26、"A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. "Don't you know what the blinking lights and siren mean?" he demanded. "Yes, sir," replied the driver.
"Then why didn't you pull over immediately?"
"I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.一位公路巡警截住了一個超速司機。「難道你不知道閃爍燈和警笛的意思嗎？」他責問道。
「知道，長官，」司機回答說。「那你為什麼不立即靠邊停車？」
「我本來想這樣做的，長官。」那男子回答說，「但上個月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她帶回來。」"
27、"Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?""I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered."You're a good boy," said the mother proudly."Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?""She is the one who sells the candy."小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。「昨天給你的錢幹什麼了？」「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」「她是個賣糖果的。」"
28、A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor． 「When I was first married，I was very happy． I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippers．Now everything's changed．When I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me．」 「I don't know what you're complaining about，」said the counselor．「You're still getting the same service．」一個結婚十年的男人正在請教一位婚姻顧問。「剛結婚那會兒，我非常幸福。我在店裡勞累一天回到家，我的小狗會繞著我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子給我拿來拖鞋。現在一切都變了。我回到家裡，我的狗給我拿來拖鞋，我的妻子對著我汪汪叫。」 「我不知道你在抱怨什麼，」婚姻顧問說。「你得到的服務還是一樣的呀。」
29、The Name of a PoetOur teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today． 「It works like this，」 she said．「Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance．」She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns．「Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flames．See？Bobby Burns！」 「I see what you mean，」 said the class know it all．「But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning？」我們的老師正在給我們介紹現在某些學校使用的一種新的記憶訓練系統。「這個系統是這樣的，」她說。「假定你要記住一個詩人的名字——例如，要記住羅伯特·彭斯的名字。」她告訴我們把他當作博比·彭斯。「讓你的腦海里閃現出一個倫敦警察的形象，燃燒著的警察。明白嗎？警察燃燒！」 「我明白你的意思，」班上的萬事通說。「但是你怎麼能說那就不是羅伯特·布朗寧呢？」
30、"Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?Student: Big hands.老師：如果我左手上有7個桔子，右手上有8個桔子。那麼我有什麼？學生：大手。"
31、"A tourist was visiting New Mexico and was amazed at the dinosaur bones lying about."How old are these bones?" the tourist asked an elderly Native American, who served as a guide."Exactly one hundred million and three years old."How can you be so sure?" inquired the tourist."Well," replied the guide, " a geologist came by here and told me these bones were one hundred million years old, and that was exactly three years ago.一位遊客在新墨西哥遊覽。他對隨處可見的恐龍化石甚感驚奇。「這些化石有多長的歷史？」遊客問一個上了年紀的當地美國人。他是作嚮導的。「整整十億零三年了。」 「你怎麼這麼肯定？」遊客問道。 「哦，」嚮導回答道，「一個地質學家來過這兒，他告訴我說這些化石有十億年了，再加上那是整整三年前的事了。」"
32、"Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.""You've done the right thing," says Mommy."But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."小強尼說：「媽媽，今天早上和爸爸在公車上時，他叫我讓座給一位女士。」媽媽說：「你做得很對呀。」「但是，媽媽，我是坐在爸爸膝蓋上的。」"
33、"Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room."Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago.""Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?""To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."一個看起來很難受的窮人走進大夫的診室。"大夫！"他說，"幫幫我！一個月前我吞了一分硬幣！""天哪，"大夫說，"早幹嘛去了？你當時怎麼不來看？""實話告訴您吧，大夫，"窮人說，"我當時還不缺錢！""
34、"Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings."Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!""Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。「看，」哥哥說，「這些畫多漂亮呀！」「是啊，」弟弟說道，「可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢？」哥哥想了會兒，然後解釋道：「很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。」"
35、"Son: "Dad, you are available to you on Friday afternoon?"Dad: "What ah?"Son: "mini-school parents have to open the forum!"Dad: "What is micro-parents forum?"Son: "It's only a class, you and I participate in!"兒子：「爸爸，星期五下午您有空嗎？」爸爸：「什麼事啊？」兒子：「學校要開微型家長座談會！」爸爸：「什麼叫微型家長座談會？」兒子：「就是只有班主任，你和我參加！」"
36、"Do You Know Santa's True Profession?Consider the following:1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.4. Santa doesn't work a 40-hour week.5. Santa travels a lot.Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!聖誕老人的真實職業是什麼？考慮以下幾點1. 你其實從來沒見過聖誕老人，你看見的都是他得助手（他得助手真的好多，除了過聖誕節的所有父母外，還有職業「聖誕老人」）2. 聖誕老人不想退休，就可以一直當他的聖誕老人。3. 聖誕老人不會做實事，他都是指揮一堆幫手幫他做完所有的事情，但是事情做得好還是不好，功績和責任都算聖誕老人的。4. 聖誕老人實行的可不是朝九晚五雙休制。5. 聖誕老人經常旅行聖誕老人顯然是一個高級職員（please, 這世界上還有比他的工作更好的工作嗎？）"
37、"I Have His Ear in My PocketIvan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?""A kid bit me," replied Ivan."Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother."I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."他的耳朵在我衣兜里伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」"
38、"One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who lovesyou the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了一陣。當我終於走進屋裡時大聲喊：「世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。」我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：「媽媽來了？」"
39、"A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. Well, sit down and eat your tea, said his mother. Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it.Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.That's because it's empty, said his bright son. You'd be all right if you had something in it.一個男孩放學回家時，覺得肚子痛。來，坐下，吃點點心，媽媽說，你肚子痛是因為肚子是空的。吃點東西就會好的。一會兒，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，說是頭痛。你頭痛是因為你的腦袋是空的，他那聰明的兒子說，裡面裝點東西，就會好的。"
40、"In class the teacher showed pictures of various birds. Then he asked one of the students, "What kind of bird do you like best, Jack?"Jack thought a moment, then answered, "Fried chicken, sir."老師在課堂上向學生們展示了各種各樣的鳥的照片。然後他問其中一名學生，「傑克，你最喜歡哪種鳥兒啊？」傑克想了想，回答，「炸雞，老師。」"
41、"I've Just Bitten My Tongue"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother."Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?""Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "我剛咬破自己的舌頭「我們有毒嗎？」一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。「是的，親愛的，」她回答說，「你問這個幹什麼？」「因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。」"
42、""Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client tobe accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew hisway around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!""法官先生，我的當事人被指控偷竊，這是多麼不公正啊。他一周前才來到紐約，幾乎不認路。而且，他只會說幾個英語單詞。"法官看了看被告，問道："你會說多少英文？"被告抬起頭，說："把你的錢包給我！""
43、"Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？約翰尼：我們做遊戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。"
44、"Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I』ve been having trouble with bats in my loft（閣樓） and attic at church. I』ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away.Another said, Yes, me too. I』ve got hundreds living in my belfry（鐘樓） and in the attic. I』ve been had the place fumigated（熏制） , and they still won』t go away.The third said, I baptized（洗禮） all mine, and made them members of the church...haven』t seen one back since!三個南部的牧師在一家小餐館裡吃午飯。其中的一個說道：「你們知道嗎，自從夏天來臨，我的教堂的閣樓和頂樓就被蝙蝠騷擾，我用盡了一切辦法----噪音、噴霧、貓----似乎什麼都不能把它們趕走。」另外一位說：「是啊，我也是。在我的鐘樓和閣樓也有好幾百隻。我曾經請人把整個地方用煙燻消毒一遍，它們還是趕不走。」第三個牧師說：「我為我那裡的所有蝙蝠洗禮，讓它們成為教會的一員......從此一隻也沒有再回來過。」"
45、"Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals（長聲尖叫） of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that! Look at that! I'm going to have one of those someday, his dad's response always was Not as long as I'm alive.One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! I'm getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.我五歲的兒子對摩托車有強烈的愛好。只要看見一輛摩托車，他就會高興得哇哇直叫，並激動地說：瞧這輛！瞧這輛，我總有一天也要有一輛。他爸爸的回答老是只要我活著，你就別想有這玩藝兒。一天我們的兒子跟他的小朋友在說話，有一輛摩托車開了過去。他興奮的指著摩托車叫道瞧這輛！瞧這輛！等我爸一死我就要有這樣一輛摩托車了。"
46、"A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這麼一個例子：有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水裡。於是他開始掙扎並喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他並不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什麼？ 一個女生舉手答道，是不是去取他的存款？"
47、"Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger.Will said, "Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father's the one who dug the hole for it."Bill wasn't impressed, "Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father's the one who killed it!"維爾和比爾在爭吵，誰的爸爸是更強壯的一個。維爾說：「你知道太平洋嗎？那個坑是我爸爸挖的。」比爾不屑地說：「那沒什麼。你知道死海嗎？ 那是我爸爸打死的。」"
48、"Returning from a golf outing（遠足，短途旅行） , my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win, my husband hedged（避免作正面答覆） . We just play to have fun.Undaunted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?丈夫打完高爾夫球回來，我們四歲的女兒莎拉在門口迎了上去。爸爸，誰贏了高爾夫球比賽，是你還是理查叔叔？我和理查叔叔打高爾夫球不是為贏，丈夫推諉說。我們打球只是為了好玩而已。莎拉毫不氣餒，又問：那麼，爸爸，誰覺得更好玩呢？"
49、Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?Betty: Because they had so many knights.老師：為什麼有時我們稱中世紀為黑暗時代呢？貝蒂：因為那時有許多騎士。
50、"A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"Little Johnny then stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"一個老師在對學生們講心理學，「誰認為自己蠢就站起來？」她一開始就說。小約翰尼站了起來。「你認為你很蠢嗎，小約翰尼？」老師問。「不是的，老師，我只是不喜歡看你一個人站著。」"
51、"The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on（溺愛，寵愛） him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（亂發脾氣） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? Did you cry?""Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這一點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麼不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：「學校怎麼樣？你過的好嗎？哭了沒有？」「哭？」約翰問，「不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。」"
52、"When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect.The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, Which month did he go away?傑克給人鞠躬，飛快地一點頭，就算完了。大家都怪他不懂禮貌。於是便有好心的人教他說，下次鞠躬的時候，你就在心裡數：一月、二月、……一直數到十二月為止，然後再直起身來。這樣，禮節就周全了。第二天，傑克見到他的叔叔，他便如法炮製。這躬鞠得太久，叔叔吃了一驚，趕緊逃開了。傑克抬頭一看，其叔早已不知去向，他便問過路人：我叔叔幾月走的？"
53、"Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?Student: Big hands.老師：如果我左手上有7個桔子，右手上有8個桔子。那麼我有什麼？學生：大手。"
54、"Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I'd passed today's exam.""Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied."Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said.在期末考試之前，湯姆告訴他的母親：「媽媽，我昨天晚上做了一個夢，夢見我通過了今天的考試。」「不要相信夢，親愛的。據說夢中的經歷通常與現實相反。」媽媽答道。「那麼，我真希望在今晚的夢中，我的其他功課都不及格。」湯姆說。"
55、"Mother: Mary, why do you yell and scream so much? Play quietly like Eddie. See, he doesn't make a sound.Mary: Of course he doesn't. Mom, it's part of the game we are playing. He is Daddy coming home late, and I'm you.媽媽：瑪麗，你為什麼這樣大喊大叫的？ 為什麼不能像艾迪那樣安安靜靜的玩兒呢？你看艾迪一聲兒都不出。瑪麗：媽媽，艾迪當然不會出聲了，因為我們倆正在玩爸爸回家遲到的遊戲呢，他扮演爸爸，我扮演你。"
56、"Mother asked her little boy, Darling, what did the teacher teach you today?Nothing, Mum, answered the son proundly, instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three.母親問她年幼的兒子：寶貝，今天老師教了你些什麼？ 兒子驕傲地說：什麼都沒教，媽媽。她反倒問我一加二等於幾，我告訴她等於三。"
57、"The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog."It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?""Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"一個小男孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。「沒有關係，」一位先生說，「不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：『吠狗不咬人。』」「啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？」"
58、"Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings."Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!""Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。「看，」哥哥說，「這些畫多漂亮呀！」「是啊，」弟弟說道，「可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢？」哥哥想了一會兒，然後解釋道：「很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。」"
59、"Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!湯姆：媽媽，我可以吃兩塊蛋糕嗎？媽媽：當然可以----拿這塊蛋糕把它切成兩塊吧！"
60、"Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in half and then cut the half in half, what do I get?Tommy: Quarters.Teacher: And then if I cut it twice again?Tommy: Hamburger.老師：如果我把一塊牛排切成兩半的兩半，我能得到幾塊兒？湯米：四塊。老師：那我要是再切兩次，我能得到什麼呢？湯米：漢堡。"
61、"Two sisters were looking at a book of religious pictures and came across a painting of the Virgin and the baby Jesus.姐妹倆在看一本宗教畫冊時，剛好看到一幅聖母瑪利亞和聖嬰耶穌的圖畫。"See there," said the older sister, "that's Jesus, and that's his mother."姐姐說：「瞧，這是耶穌，這是他的媽媽。」"Where's his dad?" the younger girl wanted to know.「他的爸爸在哪裡？」妹妹想知道。Her sister thought for a moment and explained, "Oh, he's taking the picture."姐姐想了一會兒，解釋道：「噢，他正在拍照。」"
62、"A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest boy and returned to her.一位女士聖誕節購物時丟了錢包。一個誠實的小男孩撿到了錢包，還給了她。Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm...that's funny. When I lost my purse there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."她看了看錢包，說：「嗯……真有趣。我丟錢包時，裡面有一張20元的鈔票。現在卻有20張一元的鈔票。」The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."那個男孩馬上回答說：「沒錯，太太。上次我撿到一位女士的錢包，她沒有零錢酬謝。」"
63、"Two boys are talking about the sun and the moon. "Which one of them is more useful?" asked one of them.兩個男孩在談論太陽和月亮。「它們中哪個更有用？」其中一個問道。"Of course the moon is. The moon is in the sky when it's dark, but the sun is in the sky in the daytime when nobody needs it."「當然是月亮。月亮在天黑時掛在天空，但太陽是在白天誰也不需要它時掛在天空。」"
64、"One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」"
65、"When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late（已故的） father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine（男性的） .Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.女兒出生時，我們給她取名叫邁爾斯，和我深愛的業已過世的父親同一個名字，不過家人提醒這個名字太男性化了。幾年以後，我覺得邁爾斯已經長大，能夠懂事了。我對她解釋說：你的名字很特別。我給你取了一個和我爸爸一樣的名字，因為我非常愛他。我相信他會為你而深感自豪的。邁爾斯很仔細地想了一下，然後說道：這些我都懂，媽媽。可是我不知道外公為什麼會有一個女孩子的名字。"
66、"One stupid guy reads an ad about a vacation cruise that costs only $ 100.After he signs up and pays, the travel agent hits him with a bat, knocks him unconscious and throws him out the back door into the river. Soon another guy comes in, pays his fee and gets the same treatment. Fifteen minutes later, as the two are floating down the river together, the first man says, "I wonder if they're serving any food on this cruise."
"I don' t know, the second guy replied. "They didn't last year."一愚笨之人讀到一則假日巡航游只須花100元的廣告。在他簽了字付了款後，旅遊經紀人用棒猛擊了他一下，把他打昏了過去，並把他從後門扔進了河裡。不久又來了一個人，付了錢並得到了相同的待遇。 十五分鐘後，這兩個人一起向河的下游漂去。第一個人說：「不知道他們這次巡航游是否提供食物。」 「不知道，」第二個人說道，「去年是沒有的。」"
67、"A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside. "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "Yelled back the father,"Keep feeding him nickels!"母親見三歲的兒子將一枚五分鎳幣放進嘴裡吞了下去，她立刻將他抱起，頭朝下不停地拍打他的後背，他咳出了兩枚一角的硬幣，她發狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父親喊道： 「你兒子剛才吞下了一枚五分鎳幣，可咳出兩枚一角的硬幣！我該怎麼辦呢？」孩子他爸大聲回答道：「再喂他幾枚鎳幣！」"
68、One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with his ancestry． 「Why，」 snarled the fellow，「you are a quadroon；yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro．」 「Yes，」 roared Dumas，「and，if you wish to know'mygreatgrandfather was a monkey． In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates．」有一天，一個人在嘲弄法國大小說家亞歷山大·仲馬，譏笑他的祖先。 那傢伙厲聲說：「唔，你是四分之一黑白混血兒，你父親是黑白混血兒，而你的祖父是個黑人。」 「是的，」仲馬大聲回敬：「還有呢，如果你想知道的話， 我的曾祖父是一隻猴子。其實我的血統起始於你的血統終止的地方。」
69、"A farmer and his son, traveling by horse and buggy up a narrow lane, met a motorist going the other way. There was no room to pass for two miles in either direction. The motorist, in hurry, honked his horn . "If you don't back up," said the farmer, rolling up his sleeves, I won't like what I'm going to have to do." The surprised driver put his car in reverse and backed up two miles, allowing the horse and buggy to go by. "What was it you wouldn't have liked to have done back there?" asked the farmer's son.
"Back up two miles," replied the farmer.一位農夫和他的兒子乘坐輕便馬車來到一段窄路，他們遇到一個開車的人向相反的方向去。兩個方向的兩英里以內都沒有地方可以使他們相擦而過。駕車人甚是著急，按響了喇叭。 「如果你不後退，」農夫說著擼起了袖子，「我可不喜歡我將不得不做的事。」司機吃驚不小，掛上倒擋，向後退了兩英里，讓輕便馬車先過去。
「剛才在那兒你說過的你不喜歡要做的事是什麼？」農夫的兒子問道"。
「退後兩英里，」農夫回答道。
70、"A teacher was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up . He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and-without realizing it-he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the student wouldn't point this out to him. After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends. The next day when the teacher said "Goldberg, translate and explain," Goldberg replied, "Goldberg is absent today ."
"All right," said the teacher. "YOU translate and explain.一位老師對所講課文總是非常投入，從不抬頭。他常讓一個學生來翻譯和解釋，並且----不自覺地----他常日復一日地叫同一個學生。出於尊敬，學生並不給他指出這一點。一個叫古德伯格的學生，在被一連叫了四天之後，向他的朋友尋求建議。第二天，這位教師又說：「古德伯格，翻譯並解釋。」古德伯格回答說：「古德伯格今天缺席。」
「那好吧，」教師說，「那就你來翻譯並解釋。」"
1、"A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do with your older goats in America?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"一群美國人乘長途汽車在荷蘭旅遊。他們在一個奶酪場停下來。一位年輕的導遊帶他們參觀了奶酪製作的全過程，解釋說用的是羊奶。 她指給這群人一個美麗的山坡，山坡上許多羊在吃草。對這些，她解釋說，是放逐草地的老羊，它們已不能再產奶。她然後問道：「在美國你們怎樣處理老羊呢？」
一位活潑的老紳士回答說：「他們讓我們乘車旅行！」"
2、Ask Your OwnIt was a cold，raw day at Washington．Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor．The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius．Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply．They sallied forth． 「What time is it，Bub？They tell me you can tell time by your nose，」said the visitor to the first newsboy they met． 「Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin』，」was the reply．這是華盛頓的一個陰冷天。錢普·克拉克正和一個來訪的英國人討論城市的流浪兒，英國人詳細地敘述著倫敦式天才的機智。克拉克宣稱，要是對方向華盛頓街上任何一個兒童提任何問題，那孩子都會對答如流。他們便出發了。 「什麼時候了，小兄弟？人們說你能用鼻子報時。」 回答是：「先生，問問你自己的吧，的不在走呢。」
3、"The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked."I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied."Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean."No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.農校的招生辦主任在面試一個上線的學生，「你為何要選擇這個職業？」他問。 「我夢想以經營農場來賺一百萬元，就像我父親一樣。」這個學生回答說。 「你父親經營農場賺了一百萬元？」主任驚詫地問道。「沒有，」這位申請人回答道，「他總是夢想著賺到這個數目。」"
4、"Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends. Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!弗蘭克叔叔七十八歲了，富有而健康。他是個終生單身漢。他曾追求過很多女孩，但「從不過熱----見好就收」。一天他突發奇想，決定四處走走，去看看他那些接近一打的舊時女友。他回來即嘆道：「噓！謝天謝地幸虧我沒娶那些女人中的任何一個。如今她們都成寡婦了！」"
5、"A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head." "Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes.""Where is the shopping bag?"
"I haven't got one-use your hat."一個小男孩向他母親哭訴道：「他們都取笑我，說我腦袋大。」 「別聽他們的，」他母親安慰道，「你有一個很漂亮的腦袋。好啦，別哭了，去商店買十斤土豆來。」
「購物袋在哪兒？」
「沒購物袋了----就用你的帽子吧。」"
6、"Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.我趕著開車將11歲的女兒送到學校去，在紅燈處右拐了，而那是不允許的(譯註:在一些國家如英國,其交通規則是車輛左行的,與我國相反)。啊噢，意識到犯了錯誤，我說。我剛才拐彎是違章的。我想那沒關係的，女兒回答說：我們後面的警車也同樣拐了彎。"
7、"A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."乘客輕拍了一下計程車司機的肩膀，想問個問題。司機大叫起來，車也失去了控制，幾乎撞上一輛公車，還上了便道，在還差幾厘米就撞上商店櫥窗時終於停了下來。司機說：「夥計，別再這麼乾了。你把我嚇破膽了！」乘客抱歉地說，「我沒想到拍你一下就嚇成這樣。」 司機說：「對不起，也不全是你的錯。今天是我第一天開出租，以前25年里我一直開殯葬車。」"
8、A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".一個竊賊潛入一戶人家。他看到一個喜歡的CD機，他趕緊拿了。就在這個時候他聽到有人說：「耶穌正在看著你。」他照著手電看來看去，嘀咕著：「到底是什麼人在說話？」這時，他看到桌子上有些錢，他又拿了。。。那聲音又來了：「耶穌正在看著你。」他躲到一個角落，想找出是誰在說話。結果看到一隻鸚鵡，於是他問鸚鵡：「是你在說話嗎？」鸚鵡承認了。 小賊說：「你叫什麼名字？」「摩西」。小賊說：「什麼人給鳥取這種名字？」鸚鵡回答：「就是那個給他的羅威那犬取名為『耶穌』的那個人啊。」
9、"The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?" "I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.姑娘找到媒人，說：「你欺騙了我。他的一隻眼是假眼，你以前為什麼不告訴我？」 「怎麼沒告訴你？」媒人也不甘示弱，「你們第一回見面後，我就說，他一眼就看中你了。」"
10、"Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"兩個小男孩在他們的祖父母家過夜。睡覺時間到了，這兩個小男孩跪在床上祈禱。弟弟用非常大的聲音祈禱著，「我祈求有一輛新自行車……我祈求有一個新遊戲機……我祈求有一個新錄像機……」他的哥哥用胳膊肘輕輕地碰了他一下，說：「你為什麼這麼大聲地喊叫呢？上帝又不是聾子。」弟弟聽了回答道：「上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀！」"
11、"At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.在集市上，我和妻子買了一些五金用品，包括一個手鋸。我們返回汽車時剛好路過一家牛排店。 「我們嘗嘗吧，」我妻子建議說。儘管我覺得拿著鋸有點傻乎乎的，但還是隨她走了進去。 我妻子掃視了一下菜單對女招待說：「請給我來一份炒牛腰片。」 女招待轉向我，看了看我的鋸，說道：「我能看出，先生，你是來吃我們的T形骨特色菜的。」"
12、"One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right.The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised.He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?""No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim."一天，蒂姆的數學老師看了他的作業，發現他全做對了。老師很高興，同時也十分驚訝。他把蒂姆叫到桌前說："蒂姆，你這次的作業全都做對了，怎麼回事？你爸爸幫你做了嗎？""不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做。""
13、"How do I get the gum out? Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?怎麼把口香糖取出來呢當空中小姐給乘客們發口香糖的時候，她解釋說口香糖有助於他們防止耳鳴。飛機著陸後，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說道：「 我馬上就要見到我妻子了。我怎麼才能把口香糖從耳朵裡面取出來呢？」"
14、"There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money. A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred dollars.After walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine. The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, 「You』re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…」The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, 「Hey man, I』m sorry, I』m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I』m mute.」「Oh, oh, in that case...」 whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.在路邊一個盲人乞丐戴著墨鏡在街上行乞。一個醉漢走過來，覺得他可憐，就扔了一百元給他。走了一段路，醉漢一回頭，恰好看見那個盲人正對著太陽分辨那張百元大抄的真假。醉漢過來一把奪回錢道：「你不想活了，竟敢騙老子！」 盲人乞丐一臉委屈說：「大哥，真對不起啊，我是替一個朋友"在這看一下，他是個瞎子，去上廁所了，其實我是個啞巴。」「哦，是這樣子啊！」於是醉漢扔下錢，又搖搖晃晃地走了……
15、"The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on（溺愛，寵愛） him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（亂發脾氣） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? Did you cry?""Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這一點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麼不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：「學校怎麼樣？你過的好嗎？哭了沒有？」「哭？」約翰問，「不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。」"
16、"On a trip to Disney Worldin Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."迪斯尼之旅 弗羅里達州的迪斯尼樂園是一個迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及兩個孩子前往旅遊，我們全身心地沉醉在它的各種奇觀之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之後，我們要回家了。當我們驅車離開時，兒子揮手說：「再見，美奇。」女兒揮著手說，「再見，美妮。」丈夫也有氣無力地揮了揮手，說道：「再見，美元。」"
17、"A preacher is buying a parrotAre you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.一個傳教士在買鸚鵡「你確信它不會尖叫，大叫或詛咒別人嗎？」傳教士問。「哦，絕對不會。它是一隻虔誠的鸚鵡。」店主保證說。「你看見它腿上的這些細繩了嗎？當你拉動右面的這根，它會背誦天主經，當你拉動左面的那根，它會背誦讚美詩」「太棒了！」傳教士說，「但是如果我同時拉動兩條繩子，會發生什麼呢？」「我會從樹幹上掉下去的，你這個笨蛋！」鸚鵡尖聲說道。"
18、A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer．「No，ma』am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon．」 Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，「Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week．」 Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：「Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming． Now whatwas it she wanted？」 「Rain．」 said the clerk．一個商店經理聽見一個店員對顧客說：「不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。」經理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：「當然，馬上就會有的。我們上周訂了貨。」然後經理把店員拉到一邊：「千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什麼——說我們已經訂了貨，貨馬上就到。現在你說她要買什麼？」 「雨，」店員說。
19、"A mother is very good at using every chance to educate his son, who was only three years old. One day, she took a plug and said to her son, " Look, there are two pieces of copper, so it must be plugged in a place where there are two holes. Where do you think it should be plugged?" She waited for an answer expectfully . "Plug in nose." is the answer.一位母親十分善於利用每一個機會對孩子進行教育。她的兒子只有三歲。一天，她拿著一個插頭對兒子說：「看，這裡有兩個銅片，那它一定要插在有兩個孔的地方。你說它應該插在哪兒呢？」母親期待著兒子的回答。「插在鼻子裡！」兒子回答說。"
20、"A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭里傳來了機長的聲音：「旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時 。」 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：「各位，你們猜怎麼啦 ？我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。」"正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：「看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。」
21、On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York，the Star thought the fact worth recording onits evening placard．But there was another piece of news to bementioned：it was about the Ascot Cup being stolen．Theplacard thus ran： MARK TWAIN ARRIVES． ASCOT CUP STOLEN． Mark Twain，we believe，never heard the last of it．有一次，馬克·吐溫從紐約起程抵達倫敦訪問，《星報》認為這個消息值得登在它的晚招貼上。但是，還有一條消息也要登上：關於愛斯科杯被盜的消息。招貼是這樣寫的： 馬克·吐溫 光臨 愛斯科杯 被盜 我們相信，馬克·吐溫從來也沒聽說過這件事。
22、"At 2 a. m, Mrs. Culkin was convinced that she had heard a prowler in the living, room. "Tiptoe down-stairs," she told her husband. "Don' t turn on the lights. Sneak up him before he knows what's happening
Dutifully Mr. Culkin put on his robe. Just as he reached the bedroom door, his wife added, "And when you come back, bring me a glass of milk."半夜兩點，科爾肯太太確信聽到客廳有賊，便對丈夫說：「別開燈，躡手躡腳下樓，別讓賊發覺，悄悄靠近他。」科爾肯先生披上外套，責無旁貸地去捉賊。剛走到臥室門口，他妻子又補充說：「回來時給我捎杯牛奶。」"
23、"At the cleaner's, I noticed the sign "In by 10 a. m. , out by 5 p. m. " so I told the owner that I wanted to pick my clothing up at five. "it won't be ready," he said. "But your sign says, 'In by 10 a. m. , out by 5 p. m.'," I reminded him.
"Oh," he replied, "that means me.在洗衣店，我看到招牌上寫著：「上午10點進，下午5點出。」因此我就告訴店主我想在下午5點取衣。「下午5點還不能取，」他說。 「但是你的牌子上寫著：『上午10點進，下午5點出』，」我提醒他說。「哦，」他回答說，「那指的是我。」"
24、4-year-old Begin and his cousin scrambled (攀爬，爭搶) for toys. His mum told him: 「 You are older brother because you』re older than your (cousin) sister. You should give ground to her. 」 Begin thought a little but maintained(堅持) : 「 My sister must give ground to me when she grows older than I.」 His uncle around overheard and said : 「Such a thing hardly occurs.」四歲的貝京和小妹妹爭玩具。媽媽對他說：「你大，你是哥哥，要讓著小妹妹點兒。」 貝京想了想，堅持說：「等妹妹長得比我大了，她也得讓著我。」姨夫在一旁聽了說：「這種情況相當罕見。
25、The New Baby Mr．and Mrs．Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat．Now Mrs．Taylor was expecting another child． Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too． One evening Mr．and Mrs．Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival．「This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，」said Mr．Taylor． Pat came into the room just then and said，「What are you talking about？」「We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，」his mother answered． 「 It's no use，」said Pat hopelessly．「 He'll follow us there．」泰勒夫婦有一個七歲的男孩，名叫帕特。現在泰勒太太正懷著第二胎。 帕特在別人家看見過嬰兒，他不太喜歡他們，所以他對自己家裡也將有一個嬰兒的消息感到不滿。 一天晚上，泰勒夫婦正在為這個嬰兒的降生計劃做安排。泰勒先生說：「有了嬰兒，我們的房子就太小，不夠住了。」帕特恰好在這個時候走進屋，他問：「你們在說什麼？」他的母親回答說：「我們在說我們現在得搬家，因為嬰兒就要誕生了。」 「那沒用，」帕特絕望地說。「他會跟我們到那兒去的。」
26、"A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. "Don't you know what the blinking lights and siren mean?" he demanded. "Yes, sir," replied the driver.
"Then why didn't you pull over immediately?"
"I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.一位公路巡警截住了一個超速司機。「難道你不知道閃爍燈和警笛的意思嗎？」他責問道。
「知道，長官，」司機回答說。「那你為什麼不立即靠邊停車？」
「我本來想這樣做的，長官。」那男子回答說，「但上個月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她帶回來。」"
27、"Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?""I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered."You're a good boy," said the mother proudly."Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?""She is the one who sells the candy."小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。「昨天給你的錢幹什麼了？」「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」「她是個賣糖果的。」"
28、A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor． 「When I was first married，I was very happy． I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippers．Now everything's changed．When I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me．」 「I don't know what you're complaining about，」said the counselor．「You're still getting the same service．」一個結婚十年的男人正在請教一位婚姻顧問。「剛結婚那會兒，我非常幸福。我在店裡勞累一天回到家，我的小狗會繞著我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子給我拿來拖鞋。現在一切都變了。我回到家裡，我的狗給我拿來拖鞋，我的妻子對著我汪汪叫。」 「我不知道你在抱怨什麼，」婚姻顧問說。「你得到的服務還是一樣的呀。」
29、The Name of a PoetOur teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today． 「It works like this，」 she said．「Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance．」She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns．「Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flames．See？Bobby Burns！」 「I see what you mean，」 said the class know it all．「But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning？」我們的老師正在給我們介紹現在某些學校使用的一種新的記憶訓練系統。「這個系統是這樣的，」她說。「假定你要記住一個詩人的名字——例如，要記住羅伯特·彭斯的名字。」她告訴我們把他當作博比·彭斯。「讓你的腦海里閃現出一個倫敦警察的形象，燃燒著的警察。明白嗎？警察燃燒！」 「我明白你的意思，」班上的萬事通說。「但是你怎麼能說那就不是羅伯特·布朗寧呢？」
30、"Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?Student: Big hands.老師：如果我左手上有7個桔子，右手上有8個桔子。那麼我有什麼？學生：大手。"
31、"A tourist was visiting New Mexico and was amazed at the dinosaur bones lying about."How old are these bones?" the tourist asked an elderly Native American, who served as a guide."Exactly one hundred million and three years old."How can you be so sure?" inquired the tourist."Well," replied the guide, " a geologist came by here and told me these bones were one hundred million years old, and that was exactly three years ago.一位遊客在新墨西哥遊覽。他對隨處可見的恐龍化石甚感驚奇。「這些化石有多長的歷史？」遊客問一個上了年紀的當地美國人。他是作嚮導的。「整整十億零三年了。」 「你怎麼這麼肯定？」遊客問道。 「哦，」嚮導回答道，「一個地質學家來過這兒，他告訴我說這些化石有十億年了，再加上那是整整三年前的事了。」"
32、"Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.""You've done the right thing," says Mommy."But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."小強尼說：「媽媽，今天早上和爸爸在公車上時，他叫我讓座給一位女士。」媽媽說：「你做得很對呀。」「但是，媽媽，我是坐在爸爸膝蓋上的。」"
33、"Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room."Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago.""Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?""To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."一個看起來很難受的窮人走進大夫的診室。"大夫！"他說，"幫幫我！一個月前我吞了一分硬幣！""天哪，"大夫說，"早幹嘛去了？你當時怎麼不來看？""實話告訴您吧，大夫，"窮人說，"我當時還不缺錢！""
34、"Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings."Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!""Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。「看，」哥哥說，「這些畫多漂亮呀！」「是啊，」弟弟說道，「可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢？」哥哥想了會兒，然後解釋道：「很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。」"
35、"Son: "Dad, you are available to you on Friday afternoon?"Dad: "What ah?"Son: "mini-school parents have to open the forum!"Dad: "What is micro-parents forum?"Son: "It's only a class, you and I participate in!"兒子：「爸爸，星期五下午您有空嗎？」爸爸：「什麼事啊？」兒子：「學校要開微型家長座談會！」爸爸：「什麼叫微型家長座談會？」兒子：「就是只有班主任，你和我參加！」"
36、"Do You Know Santa's True Profession?Consider the following:1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.4. Santa doesn't work a 40-hour week.5. Santa travels a lot.Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!聖誕老人的真實職業是什麼？考慮以下幾點1. 你其實從來沒見過聖誕老人，你看見的都是他得助手（他得助手真的好多，除了過聖誕節的所有父母外，還有職業「聖誕老人」）2. 聖誕老人不想退休，就可以一直當他的聖誕老人。3. 聖誕老人不會做實事，他都是指揮一堆幫手幫他做完所有的事情，但是事情做得好還是不好，功績和責任都算聖誕老人的。4. 聖誕老人實行的可不是朝九晚五雙休制。5. 聖誕老人經常旅行聖誕老人顯然是一個高級職員（please, 這世界上還有比他的工作更好的工作嗎？）"
37、"I Have His Ear in My PocketIvan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?""A kid bit me," replied Ivan."Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother."I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."他的耳朵在我衣兜里伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」"
38、"One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who lovesyou the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了一陣。當我終於走進屋裡時大聲喊：「世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。」我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：「媽媽來了？」"
39、"A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. Well, sit down and eat your tea, said his mother. Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it.Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.That's because it's empty, said his bright son. You'd be all right if you had something in it.一個男孩放學回家時，覺得肚子痛。來，坐下，吃點點心，媽媽說，你肚子痛是因為肚子是空的。吃點東西就會好的。一會兒，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，說是頭痛。你頭痛是因為你的腦袋是空的，他那聰明的兒子說，裡面裝點東西，就會好的。"
40、"In class the teacher showed pictures of various birds. Then he asked one of the students, "What kind of bird do you like best, Jack?"Jack thought a moment, then answered, "Fried chicken, sir."老師在課堂上向學生們展示了各種各樣的鳥的照片。然後他問其中一名學生，「傑克，你最喜歡哪種鳥兒啊？」傑克想了想，回答，「炸雞，老師。」"
41、"I've Just Bitten My Tongue"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother."Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?""Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "我剛咬破自己的舌頭「我們有毒嗎？」一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。「是的，親愛的，」她回答說，「你問這個幹什麼？」「因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。」"
42、""Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client tobe accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew hisway around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!""法官先生，我的當事人被指控偷竊，這是多麼不公正啊。他一周前才來到紐約，幾乎不認路。而且，他只會說幾個英語單詞。"法官看了看被告，問道："你會說多少英文？"被告抬起頭，說："把你的錢包給我！""
43、"Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？約翰尼：我們做遊戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。"
44、"Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I』ve been having trouble with bats in my loft（閣樓） and attic at church. I』ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away.Another said, Yes, me too. I』ve got hundreds living in my belfry（鐘樓） and in the attic. I』ve been had the place fumigated（熏制） , and they still won』t go away.The third said, I baptized（洗禮） all mine, and made them members of the church...haven』t seen one back since!三個南部的牧師在一家小餐館裡吃午飯。其中的一個說道：「你們知道嗎，自從夏天來臨，我的教堂的閣樓和頂樓就被蝙蝠騷擾，我用盡了一切辦法----噪音、噴霧、貓----似乎什麼都不能把它們趕走。」另外一位說：「是啊，我也是。在我的鐘樓和閣樓也有好幾百隻。我曾經請人把整個地方用煙燻消毒一遍，它們還是趕不走。」第三個牧師說：「我為我那裡的所有蝙蝠洗禮，讓它們成為教會的一員......從此一隻也沒有再回來過。」"
45、"Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals（長聲尖叫） of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that! Look at that! I'm going to have one of those someday, his dad's response always was Not as long as I'm alive.One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! I'm getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.我五歲的兒子對摩托車有強烈的愛好。只要看見一輛摩托車，他就會高興得哇哇直叫，並激動地說：瞧這輛！瞧這輛，我總有一天也要有一輛。他爸爸的回答老是只要我活著，你就別想有這玩藝兒。一天我們的兒子跟他的小朋友在說話，有一輛摩托車開了過去。他興奮的指著摩托車叫道瞧這輛！瞧這輛！等我爸一死我就要有這樣一輛摩托車了。"
46、"A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這麼一個例子：有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水裡。於是他開始掙扎並喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他並不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什麼？ 一個女生舉手答道，是不是去取他的存款？"
47、"Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger.Will said, "Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father's the one who dug the hole for it."Bill wasn't impressed, "Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father's the one who killed it!"維爾和比爾在爭吵，誰的爸爸是更強壯的一個。維爾說：「你知道太平洋嗎？那個坑是我爸爸挖的。」比爾不屑地說：「那沒什麼。你知道死海嗎？ 那是我爸爸打死的。」"
48、"Returning from a golf outing（遠足，短途旅行） , my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win, my husband hedged（避免作正面答覆） . We just play to have fun.Undaunted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?丈夫打完高爾夫球回來，我們四歲的女兒莎拉在門口迎了上去。爸爸，誰贏了高爾夫球比賽，是你還是理查叔叔？我和理查叔叔打高爾夫球不是為贏，丈夫推諉說。我們打球只是為了好玩而已。莎拉毫不氣餒，又問：那麼，爸爸，誰覺得更好玩呢？"
49、Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?Betty: Because they had so many knights.老師：為什麼有時我們稱中世紀為黑暗時代呢？貝蒂：因為那時有許多騎士。
50、"A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"Little Johnny then stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"一個老師在對學生們講心理學，「誰認為自己蠢就站起來？」她一開始就說。小約翰尼站了起來。「你認為你很蠢嗎，小約翰尼？」老師問。「不是的，老師，我只是不喜歡看你一個人站著。」"
51、"The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on（溺愛，寵愛） him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（亂發脾氣） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? Did you cry?""Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這一點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麼不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：「學校怎麼樣？你過的好嗎？哭了沒有？」「哭？」約翰問，「不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。」"
52、"When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect.The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, Which month did he go away?傑克給人鞠躬，飛快地一點頭，就算完了。大家都怪他不懂禮貌。於是便有好心的人教他說，下次鞠躬的時候，你就在心裡數：一月、二月、……一直數到十二月為止，然後再直起身來。這樣，禮節就周全了。第二天，傑克見到他的叔叔，他便如法炮製。這躬鞠得太久，叔叔吃了一驚，趕緊逃開了。傑克抬頭一看，其叔早已不知去向，他便問過路人：我叔叔幾月走的？"
53、"Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?Student: Big hands.老師：如果我左手上有7個桔子，右手上有8個桔子。那麼我有什麼？學生：大手。"
54、"Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I'd passed today's exam.""Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied."Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said.在期末考試之前，湯姆告訴他的母親：「媽媽，我昨天晚上做了一個夢，夢見我通過了今天的考試。」「不要相信夢，親愛的。據說夢中的經歷通常與現實相反。」媽媽答道。「那麼，我真希望在今晚的夢中，我的其他功課都不及格。」湯姆說。"
55、"Mother: Mary, why do you yell and scream so much? Play quietly like Eddie. See, he doesn't make a sound.Mary: Of course he doesn't. Mom, it's part of the game we are playing. He is Daddy coming home late, and I'm you.媽媽：瑪麗，你為什麼這樣大喊大叫的？ 為什麼不能像艾迪那樣安安靜靜的玩兒呢？你看艾迪一聲兒都不出。瑪麗：媽媽，艾迪當然不會出聲了，因為我們倆正在玩爸爸回家遲到的遊戲呢，他扮演爸爸，我扮演你。"
56、"Mother asked her little boy, Darling, what did the teacher teach you today?Nothing, Mum, answered the son proundly, instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three.母親問她年幼的兒子：寶貝，今天老師教了你些什麼？ 兒子驕傲地說：什麼都沒教，媽媽。她反倒問我一加二等於幾，我告訴她等於三。"
57、"The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog."It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?""Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"一個小男孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。「沒有關係，」一位先生說，「不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：『吠狗不咬人。』」「啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？」"
58、"Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings."Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!""Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。「看，」哥哥說，「這些畫多漂亮呀！」「是啊，」弟弟說道，「可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢？」哥哥想了一會兒，然後解釋道：「很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。」"
59、"Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!湯姆：媽媽，我可以吃兩塊蛋糕嗎？媽媽：當然可以----拿這塊蛋糕把它切成兩塊吧！"
60、"Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in half and then cut the half in half, what do I get?Tommy: Quarters.Teacher: And then if I cut it twice again?Tommy: Hamburger.老師：如果我把一塊牛排切成兩半的兩半，我能得到幾塊兒？湯米：四塊。老師：那我要是再切兩次，我能得到什麼呢？湯米：漢堡。"
61、"Two sisters were looking at a book of religious pictures and came across a painting of the Virgin and the baby Jesus.姐妹倆在看一本宗教畫冊時，剛好看到一幅聖母瑪利亞和聖嬰耶穌的圖畫。"See there," said the older sister, "that's Jesus, and that's his mother."姐姐說：「瞧，這是耶穌，這是他的媽媽。」"Where's his dad?" the younger girl wanted to know.「他的爸爸在哪裡？」妹妹想知道。Her sister thought for a moment and explained, "Oh, he's taking the picture."姐姐想了一會兒，解釋道：「噢，他正在拍照。」"
62、"A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest boy and returned to her.一位女士聖誕節購物時丟了錢包。一個誠實的小男孩撿到了錢包，還給了她。Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm...that's funny. When I lost my purse there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."她看了看錢包，說：「嗯……真有趣。我丟錢包時，裡面有一張20元的鈔票。現在卻有20張一元的鈔票。」The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."那個男孩馬上回答說：「沒錯，太太。上次我撿到一位女士的錢包，她沒有零錢酬謝。」"
63、"Two boys are talking about the sun and the moon. "Which one of them is more useful?" asked one of them.兩個男孩在談論太陽和月亮。「它們中哪個更有用？」其中一個問道。"Of course the moon is. The moon is in the sky when it's dark, but the sun is in the sky in the daytime when nobody needs it."「當然是月亮。月亮在天黑時掛在天空，但太陽是在白天誰也不需要它時掛在天空。」"
64、"One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」"
65、"When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late（已故的） father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine（男性的） .Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.女兒出生時，我們給她取名叫邁爾斯，和我深愛的業已過世的父親同一個名字，不過家人提醒這個名字太男性化了。幾年以後，我覺得邁爾斯已經長大，能夠懂事了。我對她解釋說：你的名字很特別。我給你取了一個和我爸爸一樣的名字，因為我非常愛他。我相信他會為你而深感自豪的。邁爾斯很仔細地想了一下，然後說道：這些我都懂，媽媽。可是我不知道外公為什麼會有一個女孩子的名字。"
66、"One stupid guy reads an ad about a vacation cruise that costs only $ 100.After he signs up and pays, the travel agent hits him with a bat, knocks him unconscious and throws him out the back door into the river. Soon another guy comes in, pays his fee and gets the same treatment. Fifteen minutes later, as the two are floating down the river together, the first man says, "I wonder if they're serving any food on this cruise."
"I don' t know, the second guy replied. "They didn't last year."一愚笨之人讀到一則假日巡航游只須花100元的廣告。在他簽了字付了款後，旅遊經紀人用棒猛擊了他一下，把他打昏了過去，並把他從後門扔進了河裡。不久又來了一個人，付了錢並得到了相同的待遇。 十五分鐘後，這兩個人一起向河的下游漂去。第一個人說：「不知道他們這次巡航游是否提供食物。」 「不知道，」第二個人說道，「去年是沒有的。」"
67、"A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside. "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "Yelled back the father,"Keep feeding him nickels!"母親見三歲的兒子將一枚五分鎳幣放進嘴裡吞了下去，她立刻將他抱起，頭朝下不停地拍打他的後背，他咳出了兩枚一角的硬幣，她發狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父親喊道： 「你兒子剛才吞下了一枚五分鎳幣，可咳出兩枚一角的硬幣！我該怎麼辦呢？」孩子他爸大聲回答道：「再喂他幾枚鎳幣！」"
68、One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with his ancestry． 「Why，」 snarled the fellow，「you are a quadroon；yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro．」 「Yes，」 roared Dumas，「and，if you wish to know'mygreatgrandfather was a monkey． In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates．」有一天，一個人在嘲弄法國大小說家亞歷山大·仲馬，譏笑他的祖先。 那傢伙厲聲說：「唔，你是四分之一黑白混血兒，你父親是黑白混血兒，而你的祖父是個黑人。」 「是的，」仲馬大聲回敬：「還有呢，如果你想知道的話， 我的曾祖父是一隻猴子。其實我的血統起始於你的血統終止的地方。」
69、"A farmer and his son, traveling by horse and buggy up a narrow lane, met a motorist going the other way. There was no room to pass for two miles in either direction. The motorist, in hurry, honked his horn . "If you don't back up," said the farmer, rolling up his sleeves, I won't like what I'm going to have to do." The surprised driver put his car in reverse and backed up two miles, allowing the horse and buggy to go by. "What was it you wouldn't have liked to have done back there?" asked the farmer's son.
"Back up two miles," replied the farmer.一位農夫和他的兒子乘坐輕便馬車來到一段窄路，他們遇到一個開車的人向相反的方向去。兩個方向的兩英里以內都沒有地方可以使他們相擦而過。駕車人甚是著急，按響了喇叭。 「如果你不後退，」農夫說著擼起了袖子，「我可不喜歡我將不得不做的事。」司機吃驚不小，掛上倒擋，向後退了兩英里，讓輕便馬車先過去。
「剛才在那兒你說過的你不喜歡要做的事是什麼？」農夫的兒子問道"。
「退後兩英里，」農夫回答道。
70、"A teacher was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up . He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and-without realizing it-he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the student wouldn't point this out to him. After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends. The next day when the teacher said "Goldberg, translate and explain," Goldberg replied, "Goldberg is absent today ."
"All right," said the teacher. "YOU translate and explain.一位老師對所講課文總是非常投入，從不抬頭。他常讓一個學生來翻譯和解釋，並且----不自覺地----他常日復一日地叫同一個學生。出於尊敬，學生並不給他指出這一點。一個叫古德伯格的學生，在被一連叫了四天之後，向他的朋友尋求建議。第二天，這位教師又說：「古德伯格，翻譯並解釋。」古德伯格回答說：「古德伯格今天缺席。」
「那好吧，」教師說，「那就你來翻譯並解釋。」"